Heeelllo Everyone,

My daughter sent me this email this morning, thought it was funny!

The Mole Family... a mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....


Get ready.....


Are you sure you're ready?


You may never forgive me for this one...


MOLASSES!

lol.

Hi Suchi!

If you guys happen to run across or have any goofy jokes and stories for
early morning cheering up, do let us in on it, we can use some laughs!

Here's some stories...

A friend of mine worked at Kmart for a while. He was stocking shelves one day and needed a stepladder for the highest shelf. Somehow, he arranged the shelf so that he was several feet away from where the stepladder had been, leaving him stranded on the shelf. He wound up having to ask a customer for help.

Back during the days of my wayward youth, a few friends of mine launched a campaign to blow up Port-A-Potties. Unfortunately, the ones they blew up were in the back lot of the local middle school. The school was under heavy construction, so the Port-A-Potties were the only bathrooms the school could use.

I know it probably SHOULDN'T be funny, but I can't help thinking about some kid raising his/her hand to go to the bathroom and being told they couldn't because someone had vaporized the "bathroom".

In 10th grade, the same friends and I spent the night at one's house for his 15th birthday. One of them (we'll call him 'R') had a rather bad temper (Aries Mars and Merc opposed Pluto) and so two friends and I delighted in bothering him so that he'd come up with one of his characteristically inventive curses. "Bothering" R usually took the form of us taking off our socks and the socks of everyone who was asleep and putting them on R's face. We did this at this particular party. We selected someone else ('L' this time) to do the dirty deed.

I was pretending to be asleep, so I didn't see what actually happened, but what I heard was R saying:

"Mmgh. Nnrgh. Grof. What the..? Ew. EWW. L, you put the socks in your MOUTH? Ugh. Oh, God."

"L, you are WALKING FILTH."

And of course there's the story of my adorable but occasionally less-than-intelligent cat. I live in a townhouse, and the living room where the family computer sits is located directly to the right of the stairs. The stairs have a large, half-wall to the right of them.

One night, I was at the computer and Spunky (the cat) wanted to play. I was a bit frustrated with what I was doing, and so I threw his toy a bit harder than I intended. The toy sailed over the half-wall by the stairs.

...So did Spunky. He wasn't hurt, which was good because I could barely breathe due to laughing so hard.

Ah, memories...

Cute, Cristina.....

Do you know why cannibals don't eat clowns??????

Cuz they taste funny....


Do you know why daddy bears can't have babies???

(okay now my turn to be forgiven)....

Cuz they don't have cubby holes....

That's all...

Luv,
Rainbow

Rusty....I enjoyed your stories......got a good laugh...

Luv,
Rainbow

Funny stories Rusty!
Your friend must have felt pretty stupid. How embarassing!
I like that Port-A-Potties one...teacher couldn't let kids the bathroom cuz its vaporized!
Poor Kitty!

Ginny, Oh, that is funny!!!

Years (and years) ago during college times, I had a cockatail named Wow. I had a small party with some close friends at my parent's house (gone to Vegas), and one of my friends lit up a joint and start blowing smoke at my bird. Well, I did not realize that soon enough cause I was busy preparing snacks in the kitchen. Well, anyways, when I came out of the kitchen, I can hear my bird wooting like crazy. I looked at the perch where she was at, and poor thing was so stoned that she was hanging upside down going "Woot, woot, woot...". Poor baby, but it looked so funny!

Rusty, Once at a slumber party at my friend's house when we were teens we got a little goofy and started shooting pickles through the fan. We all thought it was hilarious but my friend lived alone with her father had to do all the house cleaning so she got mad at us and threw us out and locked the door.

So here we are outside in her back yard in our pajamas and Tina had to go pee real bad. So we told her we would hold a blanket over her so no one could see. It was very early in the morning and she is under the blanket doing her business when the paper boy comes riding up on his bike. We all looked at each other and grinned and lifted the blanket off of Tina. Needless to say we all got a good laugh and the paper boy got a good show. Tina was not a happy camper though. God, we were mean!

Love, Connie

Once we were all at Belle Isle, which is an island in the middle of the Detroit River. They have this huge fountain on Belle Isle with colored lights and everyone hangs out around the fountain. So my friends and I all got our scuba gear on with the goggles and attached air pipe, and the flippers and we go walking up to the fountain and climb in and do our scuba diving for all the money they threw in making wishes. Everyone is just looking at us like we are nuts.

We didn't keep the money though. After we had our fun we threw it back in the fountain. We were crazy but not dishonest.

Love, Connie

Yesterday, my cousin came visiting because his exams are over and he has nothing better to do at home. My granny lavished her darling grandson with lots of attention. That means stuffing the boy with all the food she could lay her hands on. lol.

After a big lunch, she placed a cup full of grapes in front of him. He picked up a bunch and noticed black ants running all over them. My granny had been in a hurry earlier in the day and had forgotten to put the grapes in an ant-free safe place.

Needless to say, the ants were having a good time and my cousin held up the bunch before my granny's nose and cried "Ants!" My granny was gearing up to watch her afternoon soaps on TV and didn't pay attention to the grapes. Plus, she's hard of hearing. So her response was, "Yes, yes, they are nice. Now eat them." She meant the grapes, ofcourse.

It took about four hours and two attempts at explaining things for her to realise what had happened My cousin and I were rofl.

EOS

Some people actually do eat ants, chocolate covered ants! Yuck!

Love, Connie

I can't win with my daughter... she's 18 now but she can still wind me up. A couple of weeks ago she was complaining about me not being around to look after her, she told me that I neglect her and have always neglected so she has to do things for herself and that I don't treat her like an adult. The other day, she wanted an appointment with the doctor so I said ok, here's the number ring up and make one. "No", she says, "you do it and I want you to come with me". I said "but you are an adult now, you are always complaining that I don't treat you like one, it's time you learnt how to do these things". She then tells me that it's my fault she doesn't like doing these things because I always wrapped her in cotton wool and wouldn't let her try things for herself. I replied, how can I have wrapped you in cotton wool if I am a neglectful parent who never did anything for you. "Because", she said "you wrapped me up in cotton wool and left me". So I guess that makes me an overprotective, neglectful parent.

Love Gladeyes

LOL EVERYONE

Oh Gladeyes - I had to laugh - I can just hear myself having the same sort of argument with my own mother - teenagers can twist ANYTHING into such bizarrely circular logic, it's mind blowing!

Here's my contribution to the humor - #5 and #7 are my favourites....

Love,
Terri

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctolog

The Canadian government has changed its mind about sending troops to Iraq to help now.

They're dedicating 10,000 troops and 3 warships, which after the exchange rate is factored in amounts to 3 mounties in a canoe.


(I heard this one yesterday and I'll have to read the rest of these a bit later!)

This is such a fun thread. Thanks for all the laughs .


Sabra

ROFL Aries That was a good one.

Love, Connie

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired
and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye
spare some victuals?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor
condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she said again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" by this time she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"

The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone
her.

Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is
without sin cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge
rock and staggered toward the poor victim.

Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I
was just trying to make a point!"

Love, Connie

Funny Stuff Guys!!!

Hi Everyone!!

Here's an interesting email my cousin sent me!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" where
<:)> means a smile and
<:(> is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons?"

Here goes...


(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

( _ E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass


SEE ATTACHED!!

You have just been e-mooned! Send this to others and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail.

(But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)

Happy E-MOONING!

That is so asinine .

Assuredly one so astute would not assume that we could assimilate so many gluteal remarks without assembling some sort of rebuttal.

lol. What's a swishy ass?

Walk behind a Scorpio lady in a nightclub EOTS - THAT's a swishy ass

Love,
Terri

Oh! Duh! Obviously I can't see my own ass when I'm walking in a nightclub, so I didn't realise what that was.

HAHAHAHAHA

Now I am laughing my ass off...I wonder how you emoticon THAT?


Love,
Terri

(_:D))))_) ?

That's a real good one, Suchi!!!

Here's an Interesting One I found!

Miscellaneous Unproductive Time
Carl.Schelin@hq.nasa.gov (Carl Schelin)

(chuckle)

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem.

What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during their unproductive time.

I've attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any difficulties.

For your timesheets:


Job number Explanation
---------- -----------
5300 Meeting
5300-100 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5310 Breaks
5310-100 Waiting for Break
5310-110 Buying Snack
5310-120 Eating Snack
5310-200 Waiting for Lunch
5310-210 Ordering Out
5310-220 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300 Waiting for End of Day
5310-400 Personal Evacuation
5310-410 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500 Company Drug Policy
5310-510 Recreational Drug Use

5320 Employee Relations
5320-100 Gossip
5320-110 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is not Present
5320-200 Imcompetence
5320-210 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220 Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300 Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310 Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
are Jerks
5320-330 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400 Hazing of Employees
5320-410 Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420 Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430 Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440 Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450 Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460 Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500 Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510 Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520 Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530 Sexual Intercourse
5320-540 Flirting

5330 Employee Training
5330-100 Concepts and Procedures
5330-110 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not
Interested in Learning
5330-120 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5340 Procurement
5340-100 Company Goods
5340-110 Stealing Company Goods
5340-120 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
5340-130 Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&M's...)
5340-200 Company Resources
5340-210 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220 Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230 Working on a second job during Company Time

5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100 Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200 Timesheet Entries
5350-210 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220 Organizing Timesheet Entries

5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100 Long-Distance Calls
5360-110 Personal Calls
5360-200 Speaking to a professional
5360-210 Divorce Lawyer
5360-220 Plumber
5360-230 Dentist
5360-240 Doctor
5360-300 Speaking to a contractor
5360-310 Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320 Masseuse
5360-330 House Painter
5360-340 Personal Therapist
5360-350 Mistress
5360-400 Sales Calls
5360-410 Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420 Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430 Software vendors who think the company will spend money to
make your job easier
5360-440 Systems vendors who want to automate your job

5370 Complaints
5370-100 Bitching about:
5370-110 Lousy Job
5370-120 Low Pay
5370-130 Long Hours
5370-140 Coworker
5370-150 Boss
5370-160 Personal Problems
5370-170 General Bitching
6370-180 Business Difficulties

5380 Inspirational Activities
5380-100 Anticipation
5380-110 Waiting for Something to Happen
5380-200 Personal Hygene
5380-210 Scratching Yourself
5380-220 Sleeping
5380-300 Personal Feelings
5389-310 Feeling Horny
5380-320 Feeling Bored
5380-330 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5380-400 Meditation
5380-410 Staring Into Space
5380-420 Staring At Computer Screen
5380-430 Transcendental Meditation
5380-500 Fantasizing
5380-510 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
5380-520 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
5380-530 Unproductive Fantasizing

5390 Networking
5390-100 Fictional Writing
5390-110 Writing a Book on Company Time
5390-120 Writing an expose about the Company on Company Time
5390-200 Technical Writing
5390-210 Sending Jokes around the Office
5390-220 Sending Jokes around the Internet

5400 Event Planning
5400-100 Birthdays
5400-200 Anniversaries
5400-300 Vacations
5400-400 Weddings

This was sent to me in a more disorganized format. I reworked it and
organized it.


Carl Schelin
carl.schelin@hq.nasa.gov

Shouldn't #5320-530 be classified as reproductive time?

Good one, Cristina

Love, Connie

Too funny Cristina!

Thanks for the chuckle!

Love,
Terri

That was a good one Cristina. You always seem to make me laugh . Thank you.

Sabra

Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying
to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Love, Connie

Good one Connie!
"Hard to fool them flies..."

Found another one...


A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

Encore!!!

HI L_S,
IN reference to Miss. Unprod. Time
#5380-530-
Since when is Fantising Unproductive?

:::Lightwave:::

Hi Lightwave

Hehehe, since I became guilty of it and couldn't get anything done!

Here's another one Sabra,

One day a man walked into the main library of a major research university. He stopped at the reference desk and asked the librarian if she had any current books about economics and the economy.
She answered that she did, and led the man to the reference shelves where the economics and economy books were.

To the surprise of both the librarian and the man all of the books were off the shelf being used.

``That's OK,'' the man said. ``I'll just go to another library. You see, I'm a very busy man, and I set this weekend aside for studying economics and the economy.''

The librarian said she understood and gave the man directions to the nearest research library. But her interest piqued, she asked: ``Why are you so urgent to study economics and the economy?''

The man replied: "I'm an economist. I've been teaching at this university for the past ten years. I'm attending a business meeting on Monday, and I figure the economy has changed in the past ten years."

Hi Cristina ,

LOL at your latest joke above .

Regarding fantasizing; I think we are all guilty of that .


There's an old joke among economists that states:

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job.

A depression is when you lose your job.


Sabra

Got this Funny Email from my Sister this morning...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they