Death! Is there a greater transition? For the one who passes on away into another place I would like to think it is a step into wonderful. For those of us left behind it seems to be a transition into despair. Last month I lost Kip, my cousin, my friend. When he left he took a piece of my heart and I don’t know what to do about the hole. I know that there is a reason for every “thing” but for the life of me I can not see any reason in my missery. I have somehow become lost. I wander around in circles in my thoughts trying to remember what he said to me the last time we were together the last time we talked. It only comes clear in bits and pieces and I wonder where he is now and what he remembers of me.

Kip was a brilliant person an artist a craftsman. He was a carpenter by trade and a builder of wooden boats by heart. He was kind beyond measure and had such sensitivity that I wonder if that is what really killed him in the end. Kip had a way with wood. He would work for hours with it shaping it molding it into beauty. I called him the wood whisperer because he could make it do things that never seemed possible to me until I saw it bend in his hands. He had a knack for numbers and he would somehow use numbers to shape the wood. He would draw and measure and calculate and then cut and form and he made it look easy. He was teaching me some of his secrets the last time we were together and was completely delighted with my interest.

Now he’s gone and I think of him all the time. He’s the first thing I think of when my eyes open in the morning and his face is in my mind while I toss and turn searching for sleep. I’d like to think that he is under no such stress, that all his demons are earthbound and they no longer have the power to torture him. At his memorial service his mother said that she can see him now with his hair blowing in the wind the golden sunlight on his face sailing on a quiet ocean of peace. I can see him that way too but my selfish heart misses him so. I wonder if I will ever transition into my own place of peace. The funny thing is, when I think about how I’ll make it through this I want to call him and ask him. He never had the answer when he was alive but talking to him always brought me comfort. We struggled with our addictions and our confusion and our pain. We would laugh about it joke about it as a way to get through it. We trusted each other in a way that neither one of us have ever trusted anyone.

So how do we survive death? How do I find my way out of the other side of this? The thing that bothers me is the why. What is this all about this crazy world we live in where we eat each other alive? Why is it that sensitive people are targeted as weak or crazy and then preyed upon? What’s the point? Why do cold hearted people always thrive and excel and ultimately destroy while the compassionate and sensitive are chewed up and spit out stepped on destroyed? How does one make sense of it all when there is no sense? Most of all how do I let him go and be happy for his flight and peace when my world without him is everything but?

Dear JoyGirl,

I love the things you said about Kip, and the way you told us of what his mother said. He sounds like a wonderful dear person. I am so sorry for your loss, and I do understand completely waking every morning with the first thought being of him and that he's gone. Like waking into a world where hope and comfort have vanished.

I think the only way through it is through it, and sometimes you just have to be "in" it and not expecting to even see the other side for a while. You're still there where you can see the end of the tunnel you came in through, where you can see how things were when he was here, and you can't see how things will be at the other end of the tunnel. It's not in sight yet. You're not there. I think there's something to be said for being where you are. Dwell there. Don't try to hurry through it. Maybe in feeling our pain and despair at the separation ... being there and experiencing that hard emotion ... maybe we are taking on some of the emotional work of the one who went on. Maybe in that soul fire, you're helping Kip process some of the anguish he would otherwise have to struggle with in the transition. Does this sound crazy?

I'm thinking if I'm a human, with emotions and a body, and I'm suddenly transitioning to spirit form, and there's all this stuff I have to find a place for, I would want to trust it with those I trust. Maybe in some way, our suffering helps them get to where they're going and helps them learn and understand and see what their life here is and was and has meant.

I have to believe people who love each other are still helping each other although one is here and one is gone on. Look for signs and little messages from him.

Why the world is so hard on sensitives is a question I think many of us have pondered long in our hearts. It's a central theme in the Jesus story ... the hardness of people's hearts, the pain brought by awareness, the sacrifice involved in redemption. All truisms, whether seen in a religious story or elsewhere.

Paint, write, be with it. So sorry for your loss.

Maria

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have never thought of grief in those terms and yes it makes it a little easier to endure. If my pain helps my cousin in any way I take it gladly. When he was alive he would always apologize to me after I would help him through something. I would tell him not to. He had a difficult time trusting any one. His trust in me at his lowest was such a gift. If grieving him helps me evolve into a stronger person I think he would be pleased.
I am working my way through this and you are right I need to be in the moment and I’m trying. It’s funny how some of us tend to rush our way through all of life’s experience including the good ones. I need to slow down in all aspects of my life and take notice.
Thank you again for your words of comfort. You truly have made a difference.
Joy

Dear Joygirl,



Well, might be that you get an answer to that... I've lost a few people I loved as well, and some (not all, but most), said "Goodbye" to me in one or more dreams after their death. They showed themselves in different environments in those dreams, so, I assume, that "the other side" is a very subjective reality.



Oh, the sadness, the grief and the hole in the soul... I so know it, my dear. Allow yourself "the year of grieving", as my grandmother used to say...



Well..., you might perhaps consider to fill it with what he left for you... that part of himself you made all these memories with... When we love someone, we give us into their hearts and take them into ours. And since the contents of our heart is immaterial, we never lose these parts, even though our "physical density" differs.



It's always too soon, as it feels like a crack in forever...



This is oh so normal, dear... There IS a loss and you've got every right in the world to name it, feel it and express it.



This is especially true, if one never knew it was the "last time".



It may be hard to believe right now, but... sometimes this is a blessing in disguise.



Ask him in your - and then watch out for dreams, sudden thoughts (it's often the very first one after the question),feelings, fleeting "inner pictures", bird feathers, butterflies or whatever he might choose to tell you he's THERE.



I cannot tell you that, but I'm sure he will, one way or another.



For whatever reason, two lines of a song pop up in my mind (I don't have music on here right now): "too much love will kill you just as sure as none at all" Who the heck sang that? Freddie Mercury? Not sure...



Well, then... DO so. s can transcend matter and cross distances, they always did and always do and always will.



I wish you luck and a steady hope, my dear.



By living through it with all its pain and grief and still trusting life and ourselves and people and the promise of tomorrow...



Express it. Find ways to give words, tones, colours or whatever to your feelings, your loss and yourself. You're worth it, if you CHOOSE to be worth it to yourself!



Do you feel desperate and have a need for connection and contribution?



Do they? Would you REALLY call it thriving to live with hearts behind walls, so full of fear, anger and rage, that cold-heartedness becomes the least dangerous strategy of living? ARE they thriving? Look beyond the surface... look behind the mask.



The "good ones" are helpless victims? Are they? Or are we sometimes simply unwilling to share our gifts with others because "in the shit it is warm at least" (as a close friend of mine once phrased it) and it is soo much easier to complain and stay a victim? What about getting up and acting up? What about THAT?



Beautifully said... see, you give the solution yourself. That sense is MADE by what we are choosing to make out of any situation. I cannot tell you why Kip died. But I'd be willing to hold a bet that he would not object to me when I assume that he wants you to live.



Give yourself TIME. And give him time. It's only been a month. Letting go comes in steps, in layers of feelings lived through.
Love and healing,
Kitty

Joygirl, Grief and Mourning is a natural part of the process of your families Growth..For the "Loved Ones" left behind it is a battle of Emotion, ....Whilst the Lessons that your Passed Loved one had to learn, have been learnt, and now as pre-chosen by himself, it is 'Time' for another Journey in "Life" ...I hope these Words are of Comfort to you..Your Loved Ones are NEVER Far away.. Susan xx