Loneliness is a like a groove that I've gotten used to.

On the occasions that I'm asked to leave it behind for a moment, I know that there is nothing I'd rather be, than sharing another human being's company. At the same time, a part of me screams for the security provided by solitude. A cage is also a home it seems once you've forced yourself to develop a taste for its inconveniences.

Like an animal who has gotten used to his captivity; I revel at the chance to be free, but have become so acclimated to the bars of this loneliness that I can't completely get by without them. I've developed a dependence on them.

Need to find all sources of this reaction. Need to find the root causes and confront them to be rid of this. We'll see how it goes.

daf

During a conversation recently, I noted that I am my own St. Peter, denying myself entrance at the gates. I'm my betrayer..I'm my denier. I thought it was a metaphor worth pondering.

daf

Linda Goodman Fans Unite!

Everything above notwithstanding, if my preference is to be alone, but my I'm more easily motivated when working with a partner.. How does the fact that one of my primary obsessions has been guilt over accomplishing nothing fit into the whole equation?

Curiouser and curiouser (and somewhat stupider too. )

Love,

daf

Halo daf and Well come to Conscious Evolution

No man is an island, it is said. And often pondered by many a Sole looking to Be apart of It All...


Pondering the Paradox
of Being a Lone
and Being lonely

Being a Part of some Thing or Some One
or
Being apart from It All.

The transmutation of Being both subjective and objective

at Once.

I can appreciate that and too explore the phenomenon most often in the confines of my Mind...and sometimes out loud.

Purrhaps it is the Perception
that One receives
from the feelings created
by the thoughts perceived...

resulting in one's own Witness
to One's True Self.



Being a Lone and Being lonely are two very different states of Consciousness.

The fish born in a fish tank
Only knowing it's surroundings...
it boundaries
perimeters
It's immediate Environment

All it's Life.

Is it Truly Free?

Is Life All that Is, present amongst it?
Or
Is there more with Out?

The same safe haven that insulates us, prevents Us from Being MORE with out...


like a ship
tied to the harbor

counting the tides
by the Sun's daze
and the Moon's Rays


until
it is ready

to untie

and

Let

Go

with the Flow....




Chahlie

It sits in harbor..

No noble, adventuring cruiser

But an extension of a rope

Am I an extension of my loneliness?

Do I extend it's reach by reveling in it?

Am I limiting my ability to love myself

By refusing myself the opportunity to love others?

Is my heart the lovely damsel who has been locked away

By that black knight, Conditioning?

--

Hi Chahli.

Thanks for the welcome.

daf

Such a lighter burden
This thing, shared pain
A gentle shower
Cleansing rain
Diluting bitters
That remain in a searching heart
It breaks apart
The crusted dark
In the corner of my sleeping eyes
These rare gifts compromise it's hold on my belief
This patient laughter, such relief
Head in hands, I weep
But these are tears of joy
Connected to my water's source
They flow so easily
To know this easily my fondest wishes
Could always have come real
Your tender mercies are a steal
At this simple price:
Just an investment of my own
A modest price to learn and grow
Could this be home?

(Tears of joy for this gift of sharing.)

daf

Dear Self,

Just so you know, I love you and everything is going to be alright. Sorry to have been on your back for so long. I guess it took raising our energy level a couple of notches to make it happen. I'm just glad it finally happened. You've been hurting for far too long.

When I saw you this morning, so fragile and small after that perceived rejection, I felt you curl up inside of yourself..feeling you had no where else to go, and was moved.

I couldn't hold out anymore. I had to hold you and comfort you. You have been scolded by Father long enough. You need the other kind of love.

And that's how we bonded this morning. That's why I held you. It's why I finally picked you up and loved you as you deserved to be loved. Because you deserve to be loved.

You asked a question a few years back. You wanted to know what happened when we connected to the source. More specifically, you wanted to know what happened to you, since you no longer perceived yourself. Did you disappear? Do you exist at all? Here is the answer to your question:

No, you are not a figment of our imagination, and you do not cease to exist. When the connection is made we simply relinquish the fork in the road to our spirit, and along with it..all of our worries. The spirit in turn will relinquish that choice to a another power which directs and connects everything. It is this power which will keep us safe and teaches us through experience, everything we need to learn. It will guide us through this maze.

We are just links in the chain, you and I. And all of these levels are just other links in similar connections which are forming Indra's net. One missing link, and a chain is just as disconnected from its purpose; the network just as incomplete. It is in this way that there is no you, or I or even them. There is only us.

All is well, so don't be afraid, beautiful self. No one throws away that which has purpose. You have purpose..so be well and fulfill it. If you ever need to be held again, we're all here for you. Sorry it took so long to write.

Love,

Yourself and friends

I love this, daf. You are beautiful, my friend.

Maria

Friends abound, Dear Self,

and yes, we are here for You.



Although a nurturing from the Self...

now that is some Break-Through Love.

Dear Daf,

You are not alone!

T wrote,
"He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere".
Ali ibn-Abi-Talib

I know sometimes I feel lost in a strange world.
And I can relate so much to what you wrote in your first post.

I don't know; perhaps we just sail a rarer frequency than most.
One can feel alone in a crowded room.
And less alone when truly free to be one's S-elf...

Quality is better than quantity.

We are not all made to fit into society's plain boxes, Daf.

We are who we are.

This is freedom- to truly be who we are.

I get lonely a lot too.
But I can see now- how we're never alone.
This is only a part of the illusion.

Love to you.

Your responses really meant a lot to me, ladies. Thank you. (tears)

Between the days of my remorse
Within the heart of my despair
TRapped away within my ways
Are clues to answers hidden there
Locked in fear
With dark illusions
Mindlessly spawned
By the delusions
That took the keys from me

You are here, and now I see.

Blind but with your hand in mine we
Move along with a light to guide me
Set to try to keep it lively
To honor the gift of energy
You shared with me
So openly
You're my revelry
My cavalry
You're my medicine
My soothing balm-like medicine.

daf

Exploring my feelings on authority. Trying to find the roots of my deep resentment of crooked authority.

Looked in the mirror and found the cause.

Hi. When will you stop with the isolationist bullsh-- man? When are you going to stop distracting yourself into a quiet private spot and get down to being real? We need to connect. So connect. Stop being a fraidy cat and shake hands with the world already. It's ok. They're different..not bad. They hurt. They need you. I need you.

Love from yourself,

daf

That's the key work there. To stop being afraid, and step out and shine. Thanks for sharing!

Hugs,
Ix

That's a great poem, dafremen.

I can relate to this.

It's quite true.

There is a frog-shaped shower curtain hook which holds up a sky patterned curtain.

Don't worry little frog!
No need to cling so tightly!
You can let go now!

While others lift it up
The sky will not come crashing down!

Came the reply:

"It isn't the sky's fall that concerns me; but my own."

daf

I'm not sure where anyone else is coming from. Maybe these pieces will help you through your own issues:

I've had problems with authority for a very long time. In particular, I've felt compelled to fight authorities that I felt were abusing the people under their care.

I never knew where it came from, until a good friend of mine(perhaps the best I've ever known) pointed out that she thought this was something I should focus on. She was right.

When I was 4, as my mother prepared to give my brother, sister and I into the care of her mother, she said to me, "You take care of your brother and sister. You're my little man, you keep them ok."

I have a Cancer Moon. I don't take such promises lightly. I don't take serious requests from my Mother about "taking care of" someone..especially my FAMILY..lightly.

For two years we lived in that front yard..only coming in for winter.

For two years..I thought this was what life was really like. For two years, I thought Charlie was taking my sister in becaus she was smaller than me, like they'd done with my brother.

Two years later..I walked in and saw how he was taking care of her. I was 6 at the time. It was X rated.

I'd bought the lie that authority had sold me. I'd let down my guard. I'd betrayed those who counted on me..through..misplaced trust. This stayed with me for a very long time. Until I found this memory and spoke it.

Now I understand. Now I don't feel the reaction. I still hate what unjust authorities do..I'm just not obsessed with showing them up or taking them out anymore. What a difference a day makes.

daf

Horrendous childhood and lot of issues intertwined there. How is your sister?

Maria

Maria,

Sorry it took so long to respond.

Last I saw, she was alive. That was about 15 years ago.

I found a picture of my brother on the web. He's huge..and old..and hairy. But it's him. I can see it in his eyes. We haven't seen each other in person since I was about...9.
So about 30 years.

He denies any of the abuse took place, because he connected with that family, and was too young to remember any of it.

So anyhow, I'm not sure..but thanks for the excuse to get that out.

Love,

daf

Update: Apparently their adoptive father died on the 24th of January. They have a tribute site set up. She's living in England now. My brother is somewhere in Illinois. I sent her a message. We'll see what happens.

{{{}}}


Blessed be for your realizations, Daf.
I, for one, am touched and honored
that you share them with us.

My sister called me today from England. Still not sure what to think of that yet.

Thanks for all of the support.

daf

Update: I can't stop getting out of the spiral. Can't stop thinking about it. Charlie is all of them.. The screamers and the hitters.. Can't quite find it yet. I'm in there...shaking..where? Where? What was it about the call that did this? This is the big one..no..? Why do I feel so poisoned all of a sudden? Am I getting sick? Or becoming aware of my sickness?

Dawn brings the new day in slowly.
There is no magic switch to be flipped.

No magic switch you say ... and yet ...

She's not only alive but now you two are in communication. And he's not only alive but now you've seen his picture as he is now.

You said

It was your mother's obligation to take care of all three of you and keep you safe. It wasn't yours to take on, as a child, and yet emotionally you did. No doubt you felt you failed hugely, although it was a set-up to begin with and you certainly didn't have the resources, as a child, to fulfill the adult obligation that got sloughed off on you.

I don't know what happened then between your discovery of the abuse of your sister and perhaps your brother and now -- how you got separated from the two of them, what sort of nurturing and healing resources were later made available to any of the three of you.

But I know from what you said that you emotionally took on an obligation to take care of them and keep them OK. Now you have checked in on both of them, and you know that at least in the most obvious sense they are OK.

You have fulfilled that emotional obligation. I think you should give yourself that. In your mind, tell your mother you took care of them and they are OK. Others failed in their obligations to the three of you. You did not fail. You fulfilled your obligation, which you did not take lightly, though it was not, truly or fairly, your obligation to take on.

Put a star on your chart on the refrigerator. Be your own authority. Big Daf tells little daf he done good. Little sis and bro are OK.

Maria

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUPrFhDqXbI&feature=related

My sister's account. It confirmed many of my memories..and fills in the picture of who I used to be. These accounts contain at least one fairly explicit account of graphic child abuse. (titled: Our Secret Game) Don't read it if you can't handle that sort of thing please. It's not pretty.

http://dezertblusoasis.blogspot.com/

daf

Halo Daf

The onion you are peeling, layer by layer
Will certainly make One cry
Carefully unraveling each transparent veil
will provide the intomesee You seek...
Like It or not.

Curious to disCover the Center
is the only PurePose of our BEing hear.
Seeking the Truth sets One free...
Not the Truth necessarily, but the SEEKING.
The Will exerted on that Journey
provides Pure Love to enter the Sole
and allows it to connect with the Divine.
No One said It would be easy...

I too share with You many passed Memories I wish to forget.
Memories that lie dormant
Waiting in the corners of my Heart
Quiet and still
Wishing to Be freed.
reLeased unto my Self...
Wanting to reTurn to a better Time
When I was sure of things.
When intimacy came naturally....
And trust was a gimme.

These memories are in-Sure-ance
small reMinders
to keep on the Path.
To make the most out of Your Life
no matter the circumstances.

Pain is a present.
For if It All Ways felt good
We would never reMember our Selves to Humanity.
It would Be too easy to for get.
And that would be the True crime hear.


A Cancer Moon is a Gift and a curse.
(I know, I have one too. )
One that certainly makes forgetting impossible.
Forgiving, though, is another matter.
A Personal Choice.
Of Others and One's own Self.
Perhaps the greatest Love One can give is to One's own Self.
Despite what cards have been dealt your Way.
You must play the hand
for the stakes are high...
This is Your Life we are talking about.
Not on chance, but on Purepose
should we bet All we have and give It All we got.
No risk, no reward....

Perhaps, together, All of Us hear
can seek our Truths
Face our own demons...
without judgement
without conditions
without fear
without hesitation.

and Together...
we can Consciously Evolve
and reTurn to that
Small fragile Self
that Once was
and knew everything to Be True.
Safe a gain, in the harbor of each Other's precense.

One
small
layer
at
a Time.

Thanks for sharing Your Self.
You are worth It.


Peace my Friend.



Chahlie

P.S. Not sure why I was so stuck on the word "account" that last reply. Must be the THC. Update soon.

daf

Chahli,

Wonders are afoot in my life these days. Great trials, with equally if not much greater rewards at the end of the long trail. Thirsty, I'll come to that oasis soon, my friend. Waiting there, is everything that a wanderer in the desert could ever ask for.

These feelings that are fueling this personal transformation are driven by the wind of my soul..this I feel beyond all doubt.

I just stopped by to let you know, that I didn't mean to leave you hanging. Your post meant a lot to me..that you took the time to weave a reply, from your heart...with the unique style I've come to appreciate and admire in your words. I was honored man.

Thanks,

daf

Daf

Need not reply is a Wanderers Code
Air signs must llearn to live with
And All Other Mystic Wanderers hear
I am glad Your Energy is with You
and Life is happening All a round You Mr. Daf

I appreciate your attempts to keep up with your own Energy.
It is very inspiring and
fun to watch
You Truly have your own Pulse.
and I admire That.



With that I leave you a reMinda

"May You live in interesting Times"



Chahlie

Hey daf,

Thank you for cracking open your beautiful unlimited heart for us all
to look in
with you

PS

Just wanted to add that both daf's soul baring as well as all of the loving responses are very touching and moving.

And Chahlie, the "onion soup" was excellent.

Wow Daf,

I just finally made it through this whole thread. I needed a large chunk of undistrubed time to fully read and digest it. When things are written in poetry form it always takes me longer... I have to switch from right brain to left (or something like that). How brave of you to share your story so openly with us. Maybe your bravery and example here will encourage others to do the same. It seems like things with your siblings are really taking a nice turn. How wonderful for you all that big brother took the step to reconnect so that you all can heal. Of course it's going to bring all of those feelings up from the awful childhood you all endured, but once you feel and release it all you will all have a great healing experience and reunion of siblings. Gives me goosebumps. You and your sister are very talented in your expression of sharing your experiences. That clip you did (that was you, right?) was amazing. I could actually invision you on stage doing that. Maybe that will be your healing gift to share with the world.

Anymore, I think more people than not had a disfunctional family with many childhood issues... myself included. So, we certainly must be here to heal them.

Again, thank you for your courage and bravery. I too am honored that you are sharing your journey with us.

PS You and Chahlie both have the same moon as my son , so I can gain some insight on him from you both.

I'm not sure why we decided that the first day of Spring was when we would file for separation and begin our new life as friends. Perhaps it's that Springtime lends itself to new, hopeful beginnings.

Thank you for sharing my adventures everyone. THings are hectic, I'll catch you up later. Just so folks know..everything is ok. (We'd been planning this for a long time now. Over 6 months at least.) We are happy and getting happier.

Grieving a bit...but happy.

Great things are afoot. Life is beautiful.

Love,

daf

Daf

Sorry that I am so long in responding here. Have not been on much lately. Your words and your sister's words touched me deeply.

I can't find the words to express how much admiration and respect I have for you, daf. What would have broken so many others you took and just look at how very far you have come to become the beautiful human being you are today.

You have already come so very far and I am so happy that you have connected with your sister and brother.

Again, I can't express how much admiration and respect I have for you. You are a beautiful soul, daf and it would have been so very easy for you to have gone the other way considering your childhood and all you had to endure. You are a role model for all of us.

You have had a fantastic guardian angel ( or spirit guide if you will ) all of your life. Somebody up there likes you a whole lot. But they would have been unable to help you if you were not open to it and didn't do all the work and make all the effort that you have. For that you not only deserve the biggest hugs I could give you but, well, you just awe me and I respect you so very much.

You have the gift of writing, daf and there are so many out there in this world who need you as a role model. You might someday write this story down in a book and share it with those who need hope that will give them the courage you had to overcome and rise above it as you have. You had to have had a lot of hope and faith that there was a better way to come as far as you did. You made that hope and faith a reality. I know the journey is not complete yet but man, well, you just leave me in awe. *Hugs*

Connie

I forgave my mother about a week ago. As I watched my sister emulate much of her behavior, it became apparent that my mother was also sexually abused as a child. That poor darling..I'm sure it must have killed her when I told her to get lost.

Sigh..sorry, Mom. It hasn't been easy for anyone. I hope that you're well.

daf

Beautiful pictures, Lisa

That most likely was the case with your mom, daf.

Sexual and physcial abuse tend to be passed on in families until someone breaks the cycle. Which you have done.

I'm happy that you found it in your heart to understand that and forgive your mom. I was able to forgive my dad but not until after he had died. I had not worked it all out before he passed on.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. It frees not only ourselves but the other person. To not forgive holds both us and them to the past and you can't move forward if you keep looking back. It's like trying to walk backwards.

Although, like it is with you and all of us, I had to look back and relive the past in order to work things out in my mind and heart to come to the point where I could understand and forgive. And to the point where I could be at peace with the past.

daf & moonflower

I am so happy to hear that you have forgiven your mother, daf. Sending lots of & to all of the healing hearts in your family. Best wishes toward your continued progess. We're all routing for you.

Those pictures are absolutely breathtaking, Lisa. Thanks for sharing them.

Hola everyone. First off..adab requires of me that I thank you all for your gentle words, caring ways..and for taking the time to share this story with me. A show for a show..even trade, it's all I've ever asked of life. And true to it's promise on the day I was born..life is coming full circle..the show becomes more spectacular with every passing day. You've all been a very important part of that for me, just so you know. I've been silent, but watching..recharging here with you. Thank you so much..I couldn't have gotten through this without those little boosts. You're angels..in the truest sense of the word.

That said, it would be unfair not to provide an update of my circumstances:

Colorado has been left behind for parts that I'd rather were kept private for now, please. Although the drive was long..the truck was willing and through the intervention of other angelic hearts, I was able. So I did. (The trip was a blast!)

One of the BIGGEST highlights of the trip was meeting my brother for the first time in 30 years. He's such a nice guy! We got along like...well like brothers. He's got a beautiful family, and has started his own show called the Mowhawkman Show.

see also: http://www.themowhawkman.com

I told him I'd be back in June. It's a promise I intend to keep..but I had someone to meet first..a new life to start..job to get..show to produce. He was very understanding, knowing that freedom is my call, and something neither of us could do without ever again. The freedom to set my own course, attain my own goals for once, and not take on obligations that would impede that. He's a big heart, a deep guy. I love him dearly.

During the trip, I did a lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking about life, finding the Divine in me, the scars that I need to speak. Much time was spent re-examining who I was before the relationship I was in changed me. In many ways, I found myself a much better person for having passed through that 18 year misunderstanding. In other ways, I realized that I've been unbelievably imposed upon for a very long time, for no good reason that I could come up with. In the end, those thoughts strengthened my resolve not to settle for anything less than, as my friend Aimee once put it:

"To see in their eyes that they can't breathe without me.." and certainly, I would need to feel the same.

I deserve that. It wasn't random folly that brought me to that conclusion, but 4 planets in Virgo meticulously examining myself then taking a sincere look at the history of the relationships I've been in. I get treated like crap and allow it to happen. I can't do that anymore either. So I've resolved to treat myself better..to not allow myself to abused or mistreated that way anymore. It's amazing how quickly something like discarding self destructive habits can attract great things into our lives.

Ok...so that was pretty much the thought process.

There were other thoughts:

I thought about what I'd do to start earning a modest living and to start getting the Freedom Show going. (More about that in another reply some day.) Thought about God a lot, how (S)He's always held my hand, whether I knew it or not. Always guided me through the valley of shadow; wet my parched lips in this desert..how (s)He has always led me to milk and honey, bread and beans. Whatever I've needed, God has provided. This has given me great courage, and a certain amount of faith in my ability to handle whatever comes this way. I'm ready for whatever, because my shield is the impervious Love of the Almighty Heart.

And so this thread does indeed continue on its course to I don't know what. I do know it will be beautiful..I know that it's already begun. There is poetry in my life again, there is philosophy..there is music and laughter and deep conversation.

There is another great love in my life again too..besides that of our Creator..there is a beautiful heart that has taken mine and wrung it of its tears. I'm healing as we speak. Honestly, I can say that at this moment, I've never been happier in my life..bar nothing.

Yes I miss my son..and my daughter. I miss my friends a bit too. But, I'm deeply entranced with the life I'm beginning to live again now. This is me. I'm not bitchy (much), I'm joyful. I'm not ugly..I'm beautiful. I'm not boring (much)(ok maybe a bit more than that) I'm charming and interesting. I know this now. I believe this now.

Someone has convinced me of these things..I took their word on faith, and let that faith grow into my own belief. It's magical. Finally my back is not bent by the weight of self judgment.

Rather, I'm watching myself; watching this darling woman's gentle ways..adjusting to be more like the noble heart I so admire and adore in her.

So patient and tender she is, I tell you. So perceptive and understanding. Who throws rarities of the heart like hers to the winds? Who spends them frivolously? Who are these fools? Not I..I know where my treasures lie.

Deep long conversations, romantic beautiful words, amazing poetry and writing..music..33s..books books books and more books and oooh icing on the cake..she is absolutely the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on.

We're going slow...and talking and talking and talking. (Ok, so maybe I'm doing a good portion of the talking..but she has this really cool way of getting me to shut my pie hole. She just keeps gently saying her piece..until my Libra kicks off the motormouth and tries to be fair. How could I not be completely charmed?)

I'm learning so much. Day by day. I'm so in love with life, and the present.. Thursday begins the job hunt..a quick sabbatical to recoup from the drama of the past month, and from the long trip.

Things have changed so much since I started this thread with the words:

"Loneliness is like a groove that I've gotten used to."

No more. God is here with me. She is too, now. And I've always got me. What more could anyone ask for than good company?



That's your update, my friends. Sorry it was so lengthy. I expect to be around more now. Sorry I was away. A song to get you through your day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnDrbagYm24

Love to you all from your brother,

daf

Isn't God amazing how (S)He works the miracles into our lives, Daf? That Grace is poured out abundantly onto the world and there free for our taking. It is totally amazing and awesome how grasping onto that Grace and the blessings offered can change our lives so fast. I told you that somebody up there likes you.

We tend to fumble around in a fog until we go the Fountain and get our Cup filled. We can do that again and again too. And my, how our lives do change when we do!!!

I had to Grin when I clicked on your link to that song. That is one of my favorite songs and a good friend gave me that song years ago and told me his prescription was to take a dose of it once a day, twice if needed, and there is no way I could not be cheered up listening to it. He was right.

Here is a song that I feel accurately descibes the woman of your post:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGBNa0L41Zc

I'm fighting myself as to whether I should say anything at all, and what I want to say is probably going to sound snarky, but I don't mean it on that level. I mean it on a straight friend-to-friend level of "you need to think about this."

And what I want to say is another negative pattern that can get passed down is abandoning kids. Frankly, and I'm just going to say this straight out -- it totally sucks for your kids for you to not only move out but move a far distance away, entranced with your freedom and another woman.

Put yourself in their place for one second. Look at it from their point of view of what that says about what their dad values. Disheartening? Demoralizing? Devastating?

I am glad you met your brother.

The rest of it I can't celebrate with you at all. I'm so sorry for you and your family.

Maria

Until the custody hearings are over, I can't take him out of state. I called him at school today, and yesterday. I'm calling him tonight. He knows I love him. I can't let my obligation to him become a tool. He knows this, I know this. So I support him with my love, my calls...my advice, my understanding and my pride.

Now put yourself in our places. Me..the guy who I thought maybe you had started to know..understand. I speak from my heart.

Why would you say that? Such is fire's need to follow it's own path to it's own conclusion I suppose. Either that, or you have your own story related to this subject. I'm sorry for any pain you might have dealt with related to divorce Maria. (I'm assuming..sorry.)

Just a touch of my own fire...because it burns right now:

What an awful condemnation!

For you to assume that my relationship with my son..my heart..my Z..would be so mundane and selfish, when I'm the way I try to be...with you, a complete stranger and so many other strangers.. has me taken aback.

The rest of our family (except the Ex) is ecstatic about our separation. They were wondering what took us so long. Ever seen your partner put a knife to your kid's throat Maria? Ever had them threaten to kill your whole family while you slept? Put poison in your food? Threaten to cut off your unmentionables while you slept? Then hack a pound of flesh from their lower forearm..demonstrating that they're capable of such acts? Let me know..I'm not saying that you haven't had similar experiences..I just wonder if you have.

I think I'm getting indignant and pissed about this. I'm going to disengage. (There's the obligatory self exploration.)

K..sorry about that. It hurt to hear those things from you..that's all.

Zmo is my right hand friend. We've been through hell and back together, I'd never leave him. Ever. We just have to wait until June, because a judge says so.

Thanks for your concern Maria.. I know it is heartfelt and from a place of caring. That's how I know that your heart's shining brightly as usual..

daf

P.S. I might be over stepping my bounds here, and the Lord will certainly make me aware if that is so, but I think that one day, if I am careful and patient..you and I will laugh together about your second to last sentence. Wish me luck if you can. Love to you Maria.

I can speak from my own childhood situation. My parents stayed together and fought the whole time I was growing up. Some of those fights were very frightening to a child as they seemed hate filled and particularly violent. No hitting - but there was always the possibility in my mind as child that it would lead up to that. Picture a small little girl in the middle of two parents screaming at each other, crying and trying to push them apart and begging and pleading for them to stop you have an accurate picture of my childhood on almost a daily basis.

I watched it rob my mom of her will to live at times and I saw the depression and sadness it caused in her. I saw the same in my dad. I saw the all around sadness and the arguing and fighting on an almost daily basis and it took it's toll on the three of us kids. By the time I was 12 years old until I was 15 years old I was afraid to leave the house for any length of time to be with my friends doing the normal things a kid does because I feared my parents would kill each other if I were not there to stop them.

By the time I was 12 - 13 years old I wished my parents would divorce. So did my sister and brother. So I am speaking from experience. It is never good to stay together for the sake of the kids because it has the opposite effect on kids. It is horrible for a child to grow up in that kind of environment.

Divorce and separation is not the same as abandonment and rejection. I know this well too from my childhood. A parent can live in the same house with a child and still be abandoning and rejecting. Because whether the parent is there or not it is an attitude. My parents were too caught up in their own problems with each other to be there for us.

I know for certain that it was his love for his children that caused Daf to tolerate and live in an emotionally blackmailing situation for years. Maria, I am sure if you did have all the facts you would see things differently because you do have an understanding heart and mind.

Things are not always as they may seem to be.

Dear Daf, Maria, and Connie,

Having major computer problems now... It took so long just to patch my way into the site, and my reward was this first thread I read, which contained these outpourings from your hearts. Thank you all for sharing as you do. I love and admire all of you.

You are loved and admired in return, PD

I hope that you get your computer problems fixed soon so you can keep posting regularly because your posts are always filled with love and wisdom. Not to mention that pisces empathy and compassion.

I was really really lucky. When my folks split, they lived a mile apart, both came to everybody's birthday parties, performances, etc. Sure, they felt whatever discomfort that seeing each other would cause them, but they didn't let it cause us discomfort. They were the adults. We were the kids. We came first. It's really frustrating to me how few people these days get it. Kids need both their parent to be there for them, literally, geographically.

And I'll just stay off the thread henceforth. That's not a problem.

Hugs all,
Maria

Actually, I fully agree with what you said here, Maria. That is the way it should be. That is the way it has been since Lisa's divorce. Brody spends a lot of time at his dad's house. The girls can't spend as much time with him since they attend school now. But in the summer they do. Lisa's ex is still considered a member of the family and always will be treated as such because he is the father of our grandchildren. He spends every holiday with them and is here for every birthday party. When he is here is he treated like he always was.

However, whether or not such an ideal arrangement is possible depends on the situation. It was possible with your mom and dad and it is possible with Lisa and her ex because both parties are rational and reasonable adults whose foremost concern is for the well being of the kids. In a lot of divorce cases one of the parties is more concerned with themselves and is not a rational and reasonable adult. In such cases what is best or ideal cannot happen. It takes both parties. Not just one of them.

Daf has explained what his ex ( or soon to be ex ) is like and what she has done in the past. From what he has said I do not see it possible in his case to have that ideal situation of joint understanding and concern for only the well being of the kids. Daf, I am sure, would like to see it the way you and I described it for the sake of his kids and grand kids but I don't think his ex would be able to pull it off because her concern, from what he stated here about the knife to one of kids throat as a threat to him, does not seem to be for what is best is for the kids and grand kids. I hope I am not out of line in saying that it seems to me her only concern is for what she wants and how she can manipulate to get it.

So yes, I agree with your thinking on how it should be. But I also realize that not every situation is the same and for that reason what is best for everyone all around is just not possible in many cases.

Dear Maria,

Thank you very much! I made it here again.

I am researching to see if I can disable old built-ins that seem to be causing my problem.

Such research really, really bores me. There's one I'm not sure is "safe" to disable yet, but I'll do it as a last resort if I end up really stuck.

Also, I'm starting to become cynical about the words "safety" and "security." These words, too, have been things that really, really bore me... a development of the last few years. I'll work on that.

Old PD won't stay down for long.

Love,

Hi Daf and all,

Don't mean to butt in, and I'm late and have missed a lot of discussions, but if you care to share... Does ex have physical custody of the kids now? Because it sounds from the last few posts she is mentally ill and unstable-- manipulative and selfish because of that.

Just wondering if I can help, as someone I know went through a very similar situation. He got 100% custody and she lost all contact because she was ... nuts... and dangerous to their psyche and wellbeing. Despite how CRAZY the things she did, it was a l o o o o o o n n g and $$$$$$$$$$$$ court battle (of course, what else). He almost lost the case, and everything, and the court system was ... nuts!

I was sad that although the custody hearing ended up right, it did not solve the problem of the woman's mental illness and left her to her own devises and her (crazy) family's. She was addicted to medication, and that might have been just a symptom, I don't know. But it's like all such situations in our society-- There are people who are desperately ill and need HELP, and it is not available unless a) they are willing, and being messed up they often really don't know how to do that, and b) they have to have $$$$$$$ to stay in a program.

In a perfect world we'd have beautiful places with caring staff surrounded by gardens and peaceful meadows to help such people. Like rock stars can afford. But, gotta fund that military instead, etc.

Your kids will know you love them and I believe also need to see that you go on trying to treat their mother with love, too, as hard as that is. If your kids at least know you want to support her and demonstrate that despite her problems you all love her anyways, that goes a long way toward healing for everyone.

PD

What you said touches on a subject that I could probably go on for hours about but I will spare you all.

That subject is the fine line between caring and enabling which our society these days can't seem to balance out. We live in a world society of enablers and co-dependents. Which, I feel, is one of the reasons the world is so screwed up.

Jesus said, " Love one another as you love yourself." We first have to take care of ourselves and love ourselves before we truly can love and take care of others without enabling them to continue on as they are. We may have very good intentions without realizing we are enabling but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Jesus also said, " Love one another as I have loved you." And we all know that Jesus/God is no enabler. In fact, I would go so far as to say God practices "tough love" on us since he allows us free reign to rise and fall and goof up our lives on our own with the hope we learn from those mistakes and experiences.

We are only required to make effort and do as much we possibly can without it causing any ill effects on our own well being. In other words, what I am trying to say is, treat others with the same love and in the same way you would treat yourself, but we are not required to treat others better than we treat ourselves or love others more than we do ourselves. Of course I am speaking of a healthy self-love. Not a narcisstic, self-centered love. Jesus, out of his love, did that for all mankind on the cross ( from a Christian viewpoint ) so there is no reason for us to be nailed to the cross and pour out our lives for the sake of the world or others. Jesus already did that for us. As for me I don't feel I can add to his sacrifice so I don't suffer from a messiah complex of feeling the need to let anything or anyone nail me to a cross. Truthfully I do a pretty good job of that myself most times.

We have real crosses to bear in life. Those are fashioned just for our own unique spiritual journey. Those are the crosses we can't change or control or do anything about. However, many of the crosses we bear in life are of our own doing - our own fashion- and are not even necessary. Those are the crosses that will drag us down and cause a lot of unnecessary suffering. Those are the crosses that we can control and we can change. Those are the crosses we need to set aside along the journey.

We all know that when we are depressed, suffering, angry, resentful, and basically very unhappy, we are not only NOT helping those around us we are dragging them down with us. We can't make others happy when we are miserable. So in a very concise and profound way Jesus summed it up, love yourself, change yourself and then you can truly love others but you can never change others. They have to do that themselves.

My dad was an alcoholic so he was ill. Could I change that? No. Did I suffer as a result of his illness? Yes. For years I felt responsible for my whole family. I was the one they came to for help in solving all their problems. I was the one they depended on. It robbed me of the happiness of childhood and my teens and a large part of my adult years when I had a family of my own to care for as well. I had to learn for the sake of my own well-being to say NO! I am not going to do this any longer because someone has to take care of me. I count too. My life counts too. My well-being, both mentally and physically count too. All I was doing was to enable those around me to stay the way they were while in the process the cross just became too damn heavy for me to bear. It's way too hard to carry my own crosses in life and at the same time carry the crosses of others for them so they can go on being just as they are. So who was I helping? Not me. Not them.

What I learned from this is that when I changed, those around me changed because their manipulations and guilt trips and all that they laid on me no longer served their agendas. I also learned to love myself, respect myself and take care of my needs and in doing that I am a much happier person, more loving person and I haven't lost an ounce of compassion in the process. In fact, I gained more love and compassion for others once I gained that for myself.

Just my thoughts and sorry for the rant.

Greetings,
I have pondered replying to this thread. I have known Daf for 5-6 years. Through both our good, bad & uglies. So said, I trust Daf will know what I am saying and know judgement has no purpose or intent in my reply..

I know intention & reception are two different beasts but I`m gonna reply anyhow

Daf,I understand your "burning" and feeling "indignant"; you put it out here on a public board so responses are expected, some of which may not all be pleasing to you.

In a divorce, there are 3 sides to the story: the Mothers, Fathers and the childrens. To listen to one side is not a balanced effort to see the entire picture. One can`t paint a black picture and white wash the rest.

Cause and effect comes from both parties and should be acknowledged. It takes two to tango as the adage goes. The children suffer our sins and always will. That`s the sad fact of broken relationships and people



I simply pray for you Daf and everyone involved.May the peace and love you seek heal your weary heart.

Love,juni

It's late here...or early. However you want to look at it.

She fell asleep and is peacefully snoozing away after an evening of finishing each other's thoughts..adding to them..spiraling off of them.

It was a night of deep conversation..about the future (Thanks Jim.) It was a night of reaffirmation..bonds of laughter and understanding. Tonight was a night of separate time, and together time (mostly the latter)..it was all good time. Time well spent, for a change. No...not spent...time of my life...invested finally. Something meaningful and real..that even if only a dream, is worth the time taken to witness. I am so sticking around for this dream.

Tonight we exchanged fragile sides..and the concern we both felt was touching..beyond touching, it was medicine..perhaps to us both. (I do not presume to speak for her..but there was a look in our eyes that seemed akin one to the other.)

Tonight..I am more certain than ever that this was right and I wouldn't change a thing. Karma and life know what I have coming. Let them bring it on. I am so ready. So happy.

Today I was singing love songs in the stairwell at the Macomb County Courthouse..man that was awesome (The echo in there is amazing.)

Today a bailiff came down 6 flights of stairs to let me know that I sounded great and that a small crowd had gathered upstairs to listen, but that I'd have to take it outside because court was in session. Where am I going to find a stairwell like that?


(Also..tonight my dear, dear friend Tink finally got an email through to me!! )

That's your update. Thanks for all of the open words and kind smiles. Thanks for the sober advice. Cheers!

daf

Enjoy your Idyll, brother.

The world will come caling soon enough.

Duncan

I'd like to thank everyone for keeping it real on this thread. This thread is about self-exploration, and the amount of delving into our past, issues, personal perspectives and feelings on various very personal topics that have been written here..is truly inspiring.

I must come here every day these days to re-read the words left behind. Thank you all so much. Juni, thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers. All of us, including those in Colorado. I know how strong your prayers are..what strong medicine you have shared with us. Especially thank you for that.

Today hopes to be eventful. Will update tonight as time and conversational immersion allows.

A song for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_e4PxtQ-Fw

Love,

daf

Well,

It's only a matter of minutes before she shows up to take me to meet her parents. I've met her Dad, he seems like a really nice guy, but boy do I get nervous when he's around. Mr. Words runs out of clever things to say pretty quickly. I wonder why that is? Perhaps I shouldn't have asked for three forms of ID from my daughters' boyfriends..

daf

Hey Daf,

Just wanted to say that you have All been in my thoughts and prayers as well. Seperation/Divorce... been there done that. Not easy for any involved, and many different perspectives and experiences around it. Much to you my brother. Be brave and pray for the greater good of all involved. You will know the answer.

~Kel

Somehow that lead singer in the video reminds me of you, Daf

I agree with what you said about separation and divorce, Kel.

All are in my prayers as well. I believe that where we all are at this time is exactly where God wants us to be. It's all a part of the Divine Plan for our lives.

Where I am at this time of my life with illness and all makes me daily have to remind myself that I am not the pilot of this airplane of life or the co-pilot. I am only a flight attendant and it's up to the pilot and the cock pit crew to navigate the plane to it's destination.

I know from past experience that if I decide to take control the plane is gonna crash. We only have today. The past is gone and the future is uncertain. So I believe in making the most of today.

Hi Daf,

That is so wonderful that you have found a new love who makes you feel alive again and have recently reconnected with your brother and met his family. I am so, so happy for you. I wish you all the best with your continued healing and getting your new life established. What an exciting time for you. I hope you will find nothing but peace, happiness and love. Your Cancer Moon must miss your children immensely and I hope and pray they will be back in your life very soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you all in this time of transition. Please continue to keep us posted.

Hello everyone,

I suppose it's been long enough that I've hidden away in this lovely meadow without so much as a peep. So here's your update:

Wow.

The End.

(just kidding)

Well, for starters..I have never met anyone like the lovely lady I am currently with. She is everything I've ever thought a partner could be. We are considerate to one another. We care for one another. We like musicals and poetry and books and astrology and mysticism. We sing to each other..we play guitar for each other. But it's more than that. It really is..known..to both of us.

There is a psychic connection..quite for certain. I'm not sure how it works..it seems to be based upon mutual concern. I won;t say anything about something that's bothering me..so as not to bother her. She'll bring it up shortly thereafter. She has noted occasions where the same has happened.

Our synastry..for you astrology buffs, is pretty mind blowingly off of the charts. I'll let Lisa share that with you. She's really the astrology expert around here.

We've rented movies and not watched them for a week...if ever. The conversation is too good. The ideas flow..the music is amazing. She's so..my gawd..perfect and I mean with all of her human failings and frailties..her very...very gentle insecurities.

Early on we made a pact of 100% honesty always. It's been difficult at times..but successful.

But there's more. I'm changing again..in such a dynamically new, yet familiar way. She is teaching me without my knowledge..but with my full participation. I find myself drawn to emulate her very gentle and admirable ways on a daily basis.

I am open..honest..secure and truly feel like..I am home.

There is more...but the home cooked manicotti is kicking in. I'm a bit old to be stuffing the pasta away like that. But who can resist impeccably cooked, Italian leftovers?

Fill you in on more later.

Love always,

daf

A LOVE SONG for Daf!!!

The Beatles ~ And I Love Her

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x8fNDfdjXd8


Sharing in the LIGHT BE-cause it's so BRIGHT!!!


Bless You Both, Much Love Too You

Let Your Love Shine Forth, for it's Very Nurturing & Contagious

Thanks for the song Solane. It's a favorite with both of us. Thanks also for the very sweet comments. I'm just not much of a correspondent. Sorry it took so long to respond.

In other news:

Wow again. We watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and we both got it, and we both cried and we both enjoyed watching it together very much. I'm not sure I can explain in words what it is that I'd like to describe here. It's an all encompassing relationship by all means. Our likes are practically identical, except where its helpful for us to have differences.

At least 6 of the major aspects in our synastry talk about very deep soul connections. I'm definitely feeling that here. It's insane..and yet its magic too. What I've always dreamed of in a relationship. Lisa is compassionate, patient, sensitive and fun. She is intelligent in the extreme and deep beyond my wildest expectations. She thinks about the same social issues that I do. She sees people in much the same light, but in many ways with so much more wisdom and understanding than I've ever been able to muster.

She is my Teacher. I find myself motivated to improve my character, my habits, my appearance..all for wanting to be worthy of a place at her side.

Isn't that crazy? Isn't it wonderful?

In even OTHER news:

After years without anything..I managed to record two songs in one day. The ad for the show is out there now, and we've gotten a response, and found another possible guitarist candidate for putting the Freedom Show together.

I'm so hopeful and motivated. I'm so fired up and ready to take it all on. The whole thing..without a moment's hesitation. This is all I've wanted to do..my entire life. I want to make a difference. I want to inspire change. I want to play a part in ending this madness that surrounds us.

I feel like it's off to a good start.

As long as I keep my focus on doing the right thing and cherish my blessings..this cannot fail. I feel it very strongly.

I'll get more into the transformations in my personal philosophies that are being brought about by these dramatic and miraculous changes in my life...when next we chat.

Have a great one...best you ever had,

daf

Awww. This is so wonderful.

I really hope I'll be able to find some kind of love, similar to what you two share, some day.

Lots of love to everyone.

How can we not be moved, but instead amused, by the parade of human misery?

How can we listen to the audience titter at the humiliating acts of a fool...and not remember our own humiliating moments? How do we find it within us to laugh with them?

Each moment is a lesson..each moment a test.
What have we learned? Do we pass?

The thoughts running through my thoughts this morning sped off in random directions as usual. It's never been conducive to completing things. It's rarely been something I would change.

Who am I to apologize for the advantages of this flaw or my wildly inconsistent nature when they have done nothing but lead me to connection after connection?

And the sight of those droplets streaming down the shower sides once again brought connections together that I'm not sure words will adequately encompass this time around. (Blame that on the weed or me, your choice.)

It was the shower water sewing its way down the tub floor to the drain, taking much of the cleanser I had just scattered (and stared entranced at stoner-style)down with it.

Along the sides, rivulets began with the formation of a few droplets here and there. Straining at the gate until their turn to suddenly race down the side, taking more cleanser with them as they went.

Another notion whizzed out of my consciousness on its own journey into Nature, and her tendency to cleanse herself. How her action seems random, but her methods are constant. How with nothing more than water and gravity she had created a womb, a feeding tube, a carpool and a toilet. Nothing short of amazing. Still, another thought was already calling my attention to its own personal distraction. And I'm nothing if not curious when curiosity's called for.

This thought tore off into the struggle of living things and how it relates to gravity. How gravity pulls all things down into recycling plant Earth and how the only indicator to the system that you are actually alive and not meant for the scrap heap, is your motion against this, away from this...your resistance to that force pushing you inward and pulling you downward. I began to think of cycles. Just then another thought swept me off my feet and into the fourth dimension.

There I saw that even living things that repeat the same cycles appear as immobile objects. Dead to all appearances except for the occasional deviation which flickers by so fast as to be unnoticeable.

Another whim of mine walked hand in hand with me through my life, and to the donuts I had done from dusk til dawn from work to home like those around me. I wandered a moment, then sat here and wrote this for you and I to wonder about.

daf

Hi daf,

So glad life is going so well with your new love. I quite appreciate what you were expressing about your psychic connection, and what an indescribable gift that is!

In rereading the thread, and my last post, and Connie's thoughtful response, I want to add that in that post I was in no way advocating enabling the sick person, sacrificing yourself out of guilt, nor was I advising against separation. I definitely did not mean to imply you should not be divorcing or that you should not be with your current love. I apologize if it sounded like I was advocating that.

Was simply sharing, in respect to the ill person, that for the sake of her and your children you try to speak of her in loving terms, that you know she is simply ill and needs help, and that people will lend a hand should she one day reach that place where she is willing to be helped. And this need not interfere in your present relationship. She just needs forgiveness and the understanding she is not being her real self while she is under this sickness. I also have empathy for what you must have endured from what you told.

Best wishes for your continued happiness as well as peace for all of you.

Alright, so I talked to my friend today.

We're both fed up. I have the words and the balls. He has the people and the balls. We're going to start patrolling for cops that are ticketing people...and we're going to intervene..en force. I guess we'll know then..who they really serve..the People or the State.

I don't know what to expect..but we've both decided this has gone on too long. We're going for it. Screw it.

He gave his word...I gave mine. There's no turning back now.

daf

Well friends, acquaintances and casual observers..

It's been a while since the last update. Mainly I'm finding my life more interesting than the internet these days. Sorry..just being honest.

We've begun the fight..so far so good. My buddy in Colorado has started spreading the word, and it looks like his friends like the idea of mass resistance to traffic tickets. Again...wish us luck.

The process of looking for people to jam with has also begun. I've got music tearing through the front of my skull and it's literally driving me mad. Got a call from a guy off of craigslist. He says that he and his friend get together for acoustic sessions and they are looking for a vocalist and a drummer. I can sing..or so I've been told. Wish me luck.

It is still my contention that if I continue to focus on this lovely lady and her needs, that as I treat this child of God, so too will God treat me. Don't mistake my intentions though. I love her for the love in my heart, not for any hope of some reward or in hopes of coaxing karma. No, this is truly my pleasure..what a wonderful heart she is! Wish us luck!

I called my brother day before yesterday. He wants to come up for a day or two and help me get a sales route going. He's really an amazing businessman(Capricorn.) He takes a little capital and makes it go a really long way. The day I called, he'd made $1100 just hustling from place to place..selling novelties out of his van. Man, freedom and funds like that could come in handy right about now. The job situation here is exactly as bleak as everyone said it would be. Maybe I'll grab my guitar and a tin cup and start banging away on the steps of the courthouse for change. Wish me luck!

Anyhow, thanks for following along..if indeed anyone still is. I'll try to keep you updated more frequently...but no promises. I'll just try...that's all. Wish me luck.

Happy Mother's Day all of you mothers out there. Take a break...you probably earned it. Here's wishing you lots of luck!

Love,

daf

P.S. It was amazing how quickly folks stopped communicating with me as soon as Lisa and I got together. I wonder what that means? Do I have a bo0ger? Did I fart?

That`s between you & Lisa



That`s a two way street old Friend; who have you communicated with lately? Maybe I have an e mail from you & overlooked it

The only way to have a friend is to be one. – Ralph Waldo Emerson ...

Things have dropped from me. I have outlived certain desires; I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street.

Virginia Woolf

love,juni

, juni

I've been thinking a bit on the different sorts of people. There are certain personalities that always seemed...out of place in this world to me..but oh so well suited to human society as it stands these days.

And I wondered, knowing as I do that God(dess)/Great Spirit/The Flow makes no mistakes and that everything is proceeding as it is meant to, what might be the purpose of this?

It seems obvious to me that they are playing a role. But what is the role? When they are strong on the outside, but weak on the inside? When they are successful in their material pursuits, but such miserable failures in their spiritual ones? When they knock you down..and try to keep you there?

Is it as Brother Ray said...just Brother Sandpaper smoothing out our rough edges? Showing us, through our own inner reactions, where our spiritual weaknesses lie?

Are they beacons of greed, hostility and indifference that are meant to "sweat" similar beings from the pores of the masses so that we can see them better? Birds of a feather..flock together. Is that perhaps their purpose here?

Is it all to see how bad things can get when we DON'T heed the Will of our Maker..go with the flow..so to speak?

I don't know the answers to these questions. Perhaps it is a bit of them all.

I will have to watch the beast in me when it comes calling..to understand better the nature of our common failings and their purpose in the process of the unfolding.

daf

P.S. Juni..I've called you many times..but you weren't home and answering machines and I don't get along. Perhaps it's not for now. (Ask my Dad about me and written correspondence. Some writer I turned out to be.. :P )

Hola again everyone. Sorry to have been absent so much. This making a break from the "reality" of day to day into the reality of where I choose to be isn't exactly a piece of cake.

Since the previous updates, I've gotten a bit of work, which makes me feel better about things. Public Worx finally got a bass player that's sticking around..and we're sounding better every day. I'll post a song at the end of this.

Lisa and I still spend our days very much in love. I'm not sure I could be doing any of the things I'm doing now if it weren't for the amount of love I receive..and am finally able to give openly and honestly.

It's a rare thing this life. All topsy turvy, and as I told my brother, it's only hard to let go the first few times. Letting go is coming much more naturally than before. I'm so glad too..so much to do, so little time. Still a lot of work ahead.

Peace love and rockitz,

daf

Public Worx - Days of Innocence

Days of Innocence
(for public worx)

They call our childhood
those days of innocence
they weren't innocent at all.

And all those fairy tales
that they promised you
might turn to nightmares
when you finally see the truth.

You won't quite believe it
you can't help but feel it
something's amiss in the room.

We used to laugh and play outside
How do you like your 9 to 5?
Maybe children don't obey sometimes
'cause their souls won't let 'em.

Why are we drifting away
from where we were before
those days of innocence?

Why are we giving away
the best of what we were
for what we haven't spent yet?

Ahhh
those days of innocence..

If I follow you
will you follow me?
You go run and hide
I'll count and try to find you.

These are the finer things
back to reality
we've got no time for each other
we spent it all in the factory
on the line.

Why are we drifting away
from where we were before
those days of innocence?

Why are we giving away
the best of what we were
for what we haven't spent yet?

Why are we drifting away?
Why are we drifting away?

The other night we sat together and listened
to Public Worx recorded session for the night,
as we do and I feel so happy to share with you.

After a long day's physical labor
and then going straight to sing
your heart out,
poor baby, you were finally exhausted
and fell deep asleep.

I stayed awake and listened to the complete
session in the candle light;
mesmorized-- blown-away,
thinking of how for so long
these beautiful songs
were something you had
to hold all inside yourself,
going 'round and 'round your head...

and the wonder and blessing (and relief)
of having your creations finally be freed
to share;
finally given their Wings to Soar
out of you and BeCome.
To have found your band-mates
and come together as magically as you have;
other's who understand
and help you bring your visions
to life.
(and you, theirs)

You guys have something so special here,
something meant to be Shared
and Touch others with.

I'm excited for You to hear
that from objectives sources...
a bit more believeable perhaps
than coming from the woman
who Adores You.

{give a listen,to the link above, guys,
if you can...
it's amazing, really}

I've spent the mornings
harvesting thistle flowers
the calm took me away
I've spent the afternoons in thought
while plucking at their petals
did you know the how of making cheese
or vinegar's unknown?
did you know it takes at least 3 minutes
for stick on stick to glow?

Did you know that the things we take for granted
will be taken soon away?
Did you know that waves
which may cause pain
will wash our pain away?

Did you know that it is not the quest
but the journey that sets us free?
It's a simple thing
still who knows of it
but simpletons like me?

Find the things that you can do
outside the place you know
learn to stand on your own feet
and help the garden grow.

I spent the afternoon
harvesting chicory
and rennet of thistle flower
I've learned to burn
from stick on stick
and taken back my power.

daf

It was dark when we decided to leave for our meadow. It's a small tract of undeveloped land...approximately 6 - 10 acres of completely overgrown forest and meadow. The fact that it is only 5 minutes walk from here makes it much more convenient than the park..and if you'd gone there, you would see why it is certainly superior.

We brought little with us, except a couple of beers, a candle, our love for each other and a sense of adventure.

Crossing the road, we slipped, undetected into the woods..the constant whoosh of passing traffic fading into the distance behind us.

It was dark, but we weren't afraid. Cautious we were, but alive. Unprotected..but free. We'd found a slice of Eden and learned why it is infinitely preferable to sitting in a peak-roofed box watching a glowing box with occasional trips to the dry or cold storages boxes to pull out a drink box or a box of crackers.

We were out of the box, stumbling along through the darkness into the wonderland of that meadow. Snagged by pricklies, tagged by burrs..awash in it all, we came upon a fallen log and sat for awhile.

I suggested that we gather dry sticks and things to make a fire, and so we left our log bench and made our way to the edge of the wood, where the trees stretched out their branches like sinister arms..no idea what might be out there. No clue as to the dangers which we might stumble across..happily unconcerned with such things.

Returning to our sitting log with a few handfuls of tinder, we lit a fire, then I cracked open the beers. Passing one to my beloved partner where she sat, I marveled at the way the dim light of a slim moon caressed her face and caused the tall weeds to glow with life in her presence. You could almost see their colors, almost feel the breath of motionless life coming off of them between their occasional dances in the gentle breezes that blew across that open space.

As we talked, I fell into the grass; no longer apprehensive of what I might find there, or what might find me. There were no enemies here. There were only curious insects and hitchhiker seeds, raccoons going about their business a few feet away. They wished me no harm..they wished only as I do, to live and be what they were born to be.

Time passed..and as the embers of our makeshift camplight began to fade, we thought to leave that magic place..having fed our souls upon a few fleeting hours of freedom without fear.

We stamped out the fire and made our way back. Returning to our peak-roofed box, with it's glowing cubes of amusements and its storage boxes filled with boxes of square crackers and rectangular milk cartons. And though we'd broken a few laws when we'd left our little cell block at the end of the block, we'd done no harm so it did our hearts good..and our wardens were none the wiser.

daf

It's been a long, hard winter
now the fields are green
it's been a long time coming..

Winter slowly yields to the drip, drip, dripping of Spring. A long hibernation it was, filled with contemplation, tests and lessons learned. Perhaps I'll sit down and fill folks in one of these days.

Been working on the songwriting, actively pursuing change, trying to find the peace that's all around me every day..just waiting to be appreciated.

Lisa and I are still very much together and planning on staying that way. It isn't often that life TRULY gives you a chance to start from scratch. I'm so grateful for the chance I've been given.

Talk atcha next time.

Love, light and life,

daf

I miss Bluedove. Won't you ask her to fly by?

Maria

Every day pulls one away
and the feeling becomes
overwhelming of where to
trace back...are there hearts
whence time had hearts
so full of spirit and love?...


where to start?
or where to begin again?

all I know is...I miss you too, Maria.

I've always been here
as you have...
a master juggler,
striving to juggle
life's present toss
as it comes.

How are you?

big {{{*}}}'s


as for the present...
Daf and I are still together
and eternally in love and in awe with each other.
And life is forever a challenge...
a testament to what one claims to have
already understood.
The best one can do is to
surrender to God,

for all misery around us...
every heart that is tortured
beyond understanding....

there is a time for them.
It will come.
Until then faith and surrender...
looking around for the cherish
of what already is.

big {{{hugs}}},

Blue Dove

This morning finds my thoughts running to what might be useful ones, so it seemed appropriate to share them with you here.

I woke up in pain again. My back as usual won't stop aching. Then Lisa was in a sad, depressed state. Like many others, feeling overworked and under appreciated. And the day sort of promised to be another boring one, filled with inactivity and tedium. Another, invent your own amusement day.

And all of this was so depressing that I had to stop. STOP. What was a I doing to myself? The more my thoughts ran to the negative aspects of the moment, the more funked up my mood was becoming. There was no one nor anything to blame. Just me, and the place I had chosen to focus my thoughts.

And I thought about it for a moment. "Time to examine the situation daf, take stock and figure out what's REALLY going on."

So first I pulled out what I know to be true, a sort of small list of theorems that have come my way through the years:

1. Every moment is perfect.
2. Everything happens for a reason.

If I know that every moment is perfect, then the first thing I have to eliminate from my equation, in order to solve for X and figure out what's really going on, is this notion that things should be different. They're perfect the way that they are. So ok, I've got a back ache, I'm bored and listless and Lisa's depressed and these are as they should be. Why? There doesn't SEEM to be any rhyme or reason to that. We're both good people who try to do right by others and share our positive energy with the world. It seems unreasonable that we should be going through these things.

But truth number 2 tells me that there is a reason. That there's always a reason, even if it isn't always apparent...it's always there.

Often it involves my learning something. Life is a teacher and it's reasons are often to improve our understanding of ourselves and the reality of things. Often it's to improve us as human beings. So I have to clear my head of the notion that this is unreasonable..that it's an unfair, pointless exercise in torture. That's never the case. It only seems so when viewed casually, and this morning I am not attempting to view the situation casually. This morning I'm looking deep to figure out what's REALLY going on.

So my back aches and I'm wasting away in tedium and Lisa's depressed and that's the way it's supposed to be and there's a reason for it all. All of that assumed to be true, my next task is to figure out: A) Why things don't seem very perfect, AND B)What is the reason that they don't? I have to solve for X. And X will prove to be the reason that my perspective is so out of whack and why things are happening the way they are.

Well what are the results of this back ache? What are the results of this listlessness? What are the results of Lisa's sadness? How would my perspective be different if those things weren't there? I think about these things for a few moments.

In the absence of these influences, I tell myself, I would be happy. I would be as content as a bug in room full of rugs. But I'm not. Why? I ponder for a few moments more.

It would be easy to say that my happiness is being thwarted by these events and circumstances, but that's not true. My happiness depends instead, on my finding the lesson that is waiting there for me to discover, then learn. But what is that lesson?

I put some frozen Salisbury steak in the oven and think about it some more. And an interesting thing happens when I do.

I look at those tasty hunks of mystery meat in their savory gravy and..I start looking forward to eating them. What a lucky stroke of fortune to have had those in the fridge! What a lucky bit of fortune it is to have the 45 - 50 minutes of free time that it will take to heat them in the oven. (The best way to reheat anything frozen...IF you have the time.) And as I focus on my great fortune, I forget to focus on my back pain..and it becomes background noise to my mind. And then, like a flare gone off on a North Atlantic night, I suddenly have any idea!

Still salivating over the thought of my tasty, impending Grade D beef breakfast in slopulent reconstituted gravy, I begin to count my blessings.

I'm alive and kicking. There's a woman who loves me. I have a few close friends that I can trust, count on and who are likewise counting on me and my loyalty to them. The sun is shining. I have most of my teeth..all of my hair! I was born with a fertile mind and compassionate heart when so many aren't so lucky. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and a degree of freedom which at no other time in my life has been so unlimited. The air smells good here. The flowers are beautiful and the turning colors of the leaves in the trees are too!

And as I started to count them up, it becomes almost immediately apparent that as many as my problems seemed to be, my blessings are many, many more. It becomes more and more obvious that this moment is VERY perfect and that the only thing keeping me from seeing that...is my focus. MY negative thoughts. My WANTING things to be different than they are..well intentioned or simply self pitying..is a terrible waste of energy. And I hadn't seen it. There it was, right under my nose the entire time. >I< was creating my own misery by focusing on what I DIDN'T want this moment to be like. What I DIDN'T have at this moment. What I WANTED things to be like. I was focusing on what was lacking, instead of what was abundant. And in the end, these negative thoughts themselves became their own negative. I didn't WANT to be so depressed.

But here I was, come full circle in one morning. And I realized that EVERYTHING was trying to show me the way. The way to happiness, even in the face of adversity. Because life isn't Disney World, but life IS heavenly. And there's a subtle difference between having what you want, and wanting what you have.

And the lesson was there, as the second of the two truths had told me it would be. The challenge, as any great lesson is bound to contain, is to shift my perspective toward the counting of my blessings. And the problem, is years of this habitual wanting for things to be different when they aren't what I think I want them to be. And the indicator that I am drifting off course, is depression, and dissatisfaction with the circumstances of the moment. And X? X is what it has always been: A perfect moment full of rhyme, reason and never ending happiness that I'd chosen to see otherwise. The potential for unlimited joy begins with (and ends with) me and my perspective of these perfect moments.

Have the best day you've ever had. It's always there...waiting for you.

Love from your brother,

daf

Thank you for sharing your Sunday morning musings with us, Daf. Sometimes it's all too easy to miss the voice of our Higher Self when we're running like mad on that hamster wheel called life and getting ourselves caught up in negative mind sets. It's always good to be reminded that we need to take time every now and then to jump off that dizzying wheel to be still and take a trip within to take stock of what we do have and know already while remembering to be grateful for all of it - the blessings as well as the challenges - and continue to learn and grow from each experience that comes with each step we take. It is so true and all too easy to forget that we own our reaction to everything that comes our way and how we react is a choice. Choosing to react and think positively really will create a positive reality.

Here's to hoping that the light of truth you found by reaching within yourself and kindly shared with us will shine on you, Lisa and all of your loved ones and take away all your pain and bring the joy and laughter back into each and every one of your hearts. I hope the both of you have today off and are enjoying it to the fullest. Today is a gift - that's why it's called the present. You already have the greatest gift there is - love for one another and those around you. Once you have that, you have everything, no matter what is happening around you.


Tracey

How can I stay away from this place as long as I do? It's so healing and refreshing to be here.

Part of the reason is my aulde slooowwwwww PC, just have to make do. For some reason, this Merc rx, it began to work better! ? ! Okay! Then Saturn went exact cj my ascendant. All righty!

dafreman,
Thanks as Venus said for sharing your experience and thoughts. So do you conclude as I must that heaven is really a state of mind? And that the present holds this as our gift? (Well said on that too Venus.)

It's good to see you all here.

Love,
PD

Bump

Ditto on ALL of the above



Sending you both
Much Love & Light Daf & BlueDove

It's been a long while since this page was updated. It's time then and here she goes:

DISCLAIMER: I am not looking for sympathy, empathy..understanding, prayers or guidance. To be honest..my first thought these days is to tell people who offer such to f--- off after thanking them first. If all is well and you're prepared for the irrational, unreasonable and illogical..then read on.

There is a man of rage living in side of me. He isn't random in his anger or particularly out of control, but when he unleashes his ire..it borders on the maniacal. He's not particularly dangerous..but then again..no one's tried to push their luck (or mine) yet.


He's shocked me..and excited me. The other day at the grocery store when a store employee wouldn't walk 3 steps to grab something behind the service desk (it wasn't his dept.), this man of action and indignation swung the saloon doors open, walked past the stuttering store employee and grabbed the merchandise himself. "You can't go back there!"

"I just did.", grunted this man of rage, "that's your reality check for the day."

And I don't know if I like this person that is emerging from within me or not. I admire his courage..his conviction, and his honesty. I admire the way he is gentle to the kind and to some extent..the way he is ruthless to the predatory.

But his fits of rage worry me. He practically foams at the mouth..swearing and screaming profanities and he is me.

Having analyzed it..I know who he is..and I know why he is so angry. But I don't know why he's decided to emerge now...or what I can do to calm him.

What I know is this: He is tired of the intellectual posturing. He is tired of the meaningless banter. He is tired of the predation and the indifference...and mostly he is tired of being told by a society of lunatics what is best for him..or them or anyone for that matter. The very state of the world we're born into should have clued us into the fact that we're not here to perpetuate this mess. We're here to dismantle it. The man of rage wishes we'd get f---ing started instead of just talking about it. No discussion necessary.

Get cracking mutherf---ers..

Love always,

A Man of Rage

CHOOSE LOVE

2012: " A Message of Hope "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_YOG3jMlV4


LOVE YOU DAF

Stay in the LIGHT My Friend

oxoxo

Good advice...keep it up. Me? I've got a club to swing and some heads to make roll..

Love,

daf

Hello Daf. I know you said you weren't looking for understanding & guidance, etc, but might I say that I think I know why that raging beast within you is trying to claw his way out now. I believe it's coming from the cardinal Uranus/Pluto square that's been building since last year. It must be hitting something in your natal and/or progressed chart. And unfortunately, this influence has only just begun. We still have 5 more years of this crazy, mosh-pit-like square dance between those 2 volatile madmen.

I also think you may have been affected by the Lunar Eclipse we just had last week in Sagittarius. This statement of yours made me think that: "He is tired of the intellectual posturing. He is tired of the meaningless banter." It seems you are done with the "just talking about it" phase of these coming changes and want to see some of those words being put into action already. And I do believe we all will see some huge changes over the next few years, so hang on to your hat.

OK, now you can tell me 'thank you' and to F-off.

no worries...
his bark is not a bite.

I'll leave it for him to explain,
for it's his own thoughts on self-exploration,
and he'd be much better at it than I.

I'll just say...
I've never known someone
who loved the entire world
more than Daf.
Everywhere he goes...
he makes people laugh and smile.
He truly cares about people...strangers.
In a way, that has made me (with my somewhat distant
to strangers Leo Moon)
inspired to strive to be more like.

As well,
I think there is a 4 year old little boy
inside of him,
who was told to "look after his brother
and sister"
by his Mom when she sent them away.

He tried (diverting attention to take more of
the beatings) but couldn't.
Instead he watched helplessly
as they were starved, molested and beaten.

And this little boy
sees everybody
in the world as his brothers and sisters.

And they are being starved, molested and beaten.

Great Big Hugs to you, Blue Dove and Daf. No worries indeed. Both you and Daf have two of the biggest hearts I have ever encountered both here at the site and out in the great big world. And I am very grateful to have read and learned from the heartfelt words you both have shared here. Thank you for sharing them with us.

I do remember when Daf shared that story about his youthful days a few years back. I imagine many people in his shoes would have walked away from the horror of those experiences without an ounce of love in their hearts for themselves or their fellow man. But I have seen over the years in each of Daf's postings that quite the opposite is true. He is an inspiration to so many people. I hope he knows that.

I feel like a broken record these days. "Stay away from me, a-hole." Which of those words are you people stuck on?

And it's not always just you swaggering elephant seals with your balloon-head egos. Sometimes it's you well meaning people. You want-to-be a decent person sorts. But guess what? My cat would come up every morning and stick his ass in my face and lovingly lick my cheek to wake me up in the morning. It was touching, it was tender...but after awhile you just get sick of the smell of ass in your face and you tell the cat to get the f--- off of your bed.

Our day to day behavior..is sad, pathetic, revolting..in-flipping-sane (and f-- you for thinking otherwise oh-clueless one who thinks otherwise.) And no matter where I go, you keep coming up to me. "What's wrong, daf?" "Blah-biddy-blah-biddy-blah daf."

"You're sweet, but the behavior caused by your conditioning smells like ass to me."

Can't you people see that I need a break from you and the things you do that you were taught to?

I'm like a sponge that is soaked to saturation with this endless stream of justified insanity and it's eating me alive..and you WON'T STAY THE F--- AWAY FROM ME SO THAT I CAN RENEW MY MIND...you selfish, selfish, clueless, clueless f---s.

I understand now. It's all been put into context..my ugliness, and society's. It's all very, very clear. But no one gets to hear it before Lia. Let's just say that I'm very happy right now and thankful.

daf

A Hint Perhaps?

Halo Daf

Excuse me for intruding on your playground.
I can see you no longer wish to play nice with others. I certainly identify and understand that. It often takes me hours to have a moment's conversation with another Human. Most of my day is spent mustering enough Energy to understand the lunacy of Society. All my thoughts wander to my Utopic genome vaulted deep inside myself. Hidden, even from me now. Sometimes I wish I could close my Eyes and remember not Being this Way. But it is too late for I have taken the Blue Pill. I too share many of your sentiments from way back when you joined Us here and Now. Your honesty and openness is something I admire greatly...as well as your ability to stream your consciousness.

I am not hear to interfere with any of that, for I of All people, relish Anarchy and it's tenets, being the Aquarian I am, to the core. Many of your experiences in your Life which you share here are raw and are of the salt of the Earth. Something most people cannot share. Even here in an anonymous Forum of computer usernames and screens. Plain and Simple....This Life is hard. This place is a school. For one reason or another, we must all make it through and graduate.... without taking our own lives....either literally or daily, in self-sabotaging increments. We are tested from the moment we awake to the wee hours of the dark night of the Soul. Every class. Every test. Every day. At least I am. And I believe you are as well. For this I write here to you and let you know I am reading along.
I will ask though, having a certain responsibility to Greg, Maria and the Site that you consider you are preaching to the Choir here. I'm sure most people who visit this Site, fit into the category of which you have spoken about....with flowery rhetoric and endless banter of mindless issues pertaining only to our own pursuit of happiness and self gratification...blah blah blah. They of course, will stay at bay and only lurk, reading the posts and continue in their daydream. That is their prerogative. However, there are those of us who feel what you are saying and want to comment but do not, as Thoughts on Self Exploration are very personal certainly very welcomed here....as you can tell by the viewership of the Thread.(which is why I bumped it.)

I have been here for over a decade. Mostly talking to myself and reaching out to any hand that will be extended to me. I have a deep affinity for Linda Goodman and her work and after years of reading her works and about her personally, I see the dichotomy in her that you and I both share. Her works are beautiful, informative, instructional, personal and most of All, Inspiring and uplifting to those of Us lost in the woods. Personally, I understand her Life was hard, with as many trials as life can deal out. Bottom line.... she cared about Life as we do and acted with every fiber of her Soul to demonstrate that. I try to emulate that here on the Site. Using this Place to transform that acidic disgust in my mouth to metamorphosize into constructive Hope for those who may read and listen. It is not easy, mind you. My caustic tongue often lies dormant, awaiting one who deserves a wake up call. Groveling and mumbling satirical sarcasm whilst rolling my eyes in complete disbelief. The keyboard and send button have saved this from happening too many times. I backspace alot. And delete even more so. Point being...as much as I dig this Thread and your insight, I only ask that you consider those of us here who care about you and yours and what we read when we read your posts. Often, I have been the only one here doing so alone and wishing there were someone like you who could understand and help me. I am attempting to that now.

My hope is that you will post more often. Both here and on all the threads and topics, yet remain in the decorum of which Greg started the Site, without regulating yourself in any Way. We used to joke about "saying what you mean just don't say it mean" in regards to some Knowflakes who moved onto a forum where no one moves "onward and upward" It took me a lonnggg time to see it that Way, as I reread Greg's posts and see his demeanor Shine brightly through. It inpires me daily to light a match rather than curse the damn darkness.(which I am most often inclined to do)

Nonetheless, If I have overstepped a boundary, it is not my intention. I only felt as though I had to share this, being left here as "administrator"
and trying to keep a productive Vibe.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say and know that I do when I read your posts.

We will ALL get through this Place....
One way or another.
Hopefully, with the eyes of a Child in all it's Wonderment.

Now, I will get out of your Way.....



Peace and Perseverance~


Chahlie

Negative Manipulation vs. Clear Communication



Learning to develop clear communication skills is a requirement in order to reinforce positive behavior that fosters loving interdependent relationships in a group consciousness setting and community environment. Learn to communicate in a clear, loving, calm, objective, supportive, nonjudgmental and nonviolent manner. Principles of Nonviolent Communication are very positive guidelines to learn how to improve communication skills and confidence in your speaking and expression with others. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication)



The negative ego will try to use negative manipulation in order to influence people. This is an invitation for corruption and dark entity vampirism. Honesty and integrity is always the best policy. Learning to communicate with compassionate honesty is a much needed skill in all areas of your life as well as learning to live interdependently within a family or community. Commit to improve this skill in your life as you will be calling upon these resources often. Credibility is energetically assigned to the personal commitment of the spiritual principles demonstrated consistently in your behavior in treating others. The reeducation of human value to reinforce public credibility from what you personally demonstrate and exude rather than the initials behind your name, are a part of our future changing paradigm.



The Antidote to Mental Torture is Psycho-Emotional Centering by Spiritualizing the Self



The below is a graph of a Psychological Centering Model to use to better gauge thoughts that are recurring in either polarity. The two main polarity groups the brain likes to occupy itself with are “Superior” or “Inferior” thoughts. With the Dual Spiral Event this month the polarity thoughts are going to amplify to even more surreal levels inside our own mental body and the collective human mental body we are all a part. When using your Mental Discipline Refocus technique, identify the thought as stemming from Negative Ego (Reptilian Brain) and Revalue it from its control over your emotional body and your other selves. When you drop into either an Inferior or Superior thought-form immediately label it as Negative Ego and Dis-Identify with the thought as defining your value or true nature. Do not let it control you or assign a value to it. Refocus and affirm the correct thought pattern by referring to the circular spiritual self model and choosing a new thought to refocus your mind upon.



Success happens when you do not allow yourself to go into an “Auto Response” trigger. Identify the “trigger” thought-form and immediately “Relabel” it as it is happening in your perception. The faster you identify the trigger in your self-awareness and stop letting your mind go on “Auto-Pilot”, the faster you will see success through “relief” of mental anxiety. The goal is to not feel a negative response or emotional charge to any thought-form that used to trigger negative thoughts in you, such as fears, panic or anxiety. You want to remain in “neutral association” to the triggered Negative Ego thought pattern. When you correct the thought, you can mentally command “neutral association” to the pattern to correct it. Learn to focus breath to take you out of your mind and back into the now presence. Stay in the Now moment and breathe. Let go of what your mind thinks you should be doing. This is key to your mental body health and sanity.





Here is the Centering Model :






Superior Thinking: Intolerance, Impatience, Arrogance, Manipulation, Attack, Anger, Judgmental thinking



Inferior Thinking: Worry, Low Self Love or Esteem, Jealousy, Guilt, Hurt, Fear, Attachment, Martrydom



Until next, stay in the luminosity of your Avatar Heart Path! Be Gentle with your hearts and each other.



Love Always, Lisa



Lisa Renee



Liquid Light is Freedom
http://consciousevolution.com/LindaGoodmanForums/ubbthreads.php/topics/164711#Post164711

All around there is a book of Creation. Sometimes we see it..but don't read it, instead admiring the pictures that flash by as we flip the pages. Sometimes we don;t see it at all. I saw a woman walking by the other day, dragging her dog along by its leas(h)e as it attempted to "smell the roses" (ie. poos and pees along the way.) She didn't see her dog whom she claimed to love. (And perhaps she does..but doesn't know what love is or how to love properly.) She didn't see him/her because she was busy occupying her mind with the sound of a human voice some gawd-knows-hows-many-miles away.

Here is a story about a lesson I thought that I'd learned 6 years ago, but instead re-learned just the other day.

I know a guy whose name is unimportant, but who is deeply into Death Metal and many of its subgenres. For years, I found the whole genre..distasteful at best. One day, as I chilled watching brother man play Diablo 2, I looked around his room at all of the flyers from the various gigs he'd either played at or been to. It was as each of the flyers and their ugly imagery assaulted my eyes and mind, that I thought I saw the lesson there for me..and that I suddenly understood Death Metal culture:

When everything tangible is stamped UGLY, the only beautiful things left..are those things which are truly beautiful. No faking it. No bullsh--. Real beauty.. "on the inside. Where it counts. Yes its true." - Brutal Juice

I lived out the microcosm to understand the macrocosm and am at peace with the ugliness around me. Eventually there will be no place to run to. Eventually there will be no place to hide from the ugliness. Except "on the inside...where it counts..yes its true."

Love,

daf

P.S. Thanks for the attempts at communication (shortly after a request for none.) I realize that you were both trying to be helpful..and cautionary. The last sentence of my previous post should have taken care of that. Well, reading it would have. Thanks for taking the time to write/cut and paste...both of you.

THANK-YOU


Your ALL-ways WELL-come Daf

I received this in an email today and it seems to fit with your post Daf, so I thought I would share:

"Choosing to see Beauty in all things fills our Hearts with
Gratitude. Beauty inspires and delights our senses, and
we remember all life is Sacred, perfect and profound.

Just for today ...

Be present to the Beauty all around. Open your gaze and
let yourself be amazed at the infinite ways Love is expressed
in the world. Know this is simply a reflection of the Beauty you are, and will always BE.

Pay attention to when you find yourself repulsed by something
you judge as ugly or imperfect. Give thanks and courageously
seek to find the Beauty in the illusion of imperfection. As you do, you return to innocence, purify the Heart-Mind and raise your vibration into one of Love and Gratitude."

~Stacey Robyn
www.bloominghumans.com
Day 12 - Beauty All Around
http://archive.aweber.com/bloom-mayan5

DISCLAIMER: These are random thoughts. Sometimes they are along positive lines..sometimes they are not. These are NOT the writings of a one-dimensional robot. I'm a complex human being who refuses to be boxed in by someone else's fear of what will happen if I'm not. I can live with myself..hopefully they can live with the consequences of living out their trepidations as easily. I'm tired of people using their hang-ups as ropes to tie my hands.

I've spent many years and many long hours writing for you people. All of you. For 5 years it was at a site supposedly devoted to Linda Goodman. I wrote a lot of stuff. Some would say I wrote lots of quality content. I would just say I bared my soul and shared my journey as it happened. As hard as it was sometimes to share the things I've shared online..I did it, because in the end you get out of things what you put into them..and I wanted more of the online community than frankly, the online community is capable of providing.

I want to be me. A person who harms none, makes those who care to listen laugh and think. A man who is FEARLESS in the face of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE (except big hairy spiders)..but who loves the sh-- out of all of you. (Yes...that is the "S" word. It's a word..it offends in one language only..because in reality..it is not offensive in and of itself..its the ideas people harbor in their minds that are offensive. Besides, I'm outta here so who cares? It'll scroll off the screen soon anyhow.)

In all of this time, I've asked for ONE thing from each and every community that I've tried to be a part of. And in all but ONE case, people are INCAPABLE providing that ONE thing to me for ALL of the time and effort I'd put into their communities...because I thought maybe...just maybe they were my communities too. (Silly me.)

And that one thing? Let me be me. Let me express myself as the universe has designed me to be expressed. Don't take offense. Just move on if you don't like what you see. Take what you like..leave what you don't.

I haven't asked much. Where censorship is appropriate, I've censored the profanities. I've toned down some of the more controversial stuff to coddle to the sensibilities of those of weak constitution and fluffier inclinations. And I've tried to write BEAUTIFUL things..to inspire and comfort..empathize and aid. I've offered to answer any question you might have. And I've posed quite a few of my own..many of which you've refused to answer to this day. (At a loss for words? P---ed? What?)

You sucked the pretty stuff up like mother's milk. Then chided me for the rest. It never occurred to you for a second to accept the tastiest of me along with the less palatable.

You know why? Because you assumed that I was writing to cater to YOU, instead of expressing ME and who I am and how I am EVOLVING and CHANGING..in real time..on the fly..in front of your eyes.

Funny how we talk freedom. Funny how we talk bravery. Funny how we like them when we like them and reject them when we don't. Tell them what they can't do...when we don't like what they do. Tell them how they can't act..when we disagree. Kick them to the curb when we're done with them, because the content they spew out is no longer in agreement with our clique's agenda.

Meanwhile we consciously EVOLVE by doing...nothing new.
Meanwhile we consciously EVOLVE by saying..the same things we've been saying.
Meanwhile we consciously EVOLVE by..isolating ourselves from the rest of the world. Our own little Kingdom Hall Community. Our own little Waco.

Someone once said to me, "If you really just want peace and the chance to clear your mind and keep your thoughts pure Daf, you could just move into a cave and stay there. But where's the challenge in that? Who couldn't do that?"

Where's the evolution in that? Evolution PUSHES its member species' to their limits and only the strongest and most capable survive. In this case..a spiritual warrior who is only at peace in the absence of discord is an evolutionary failure.

I thought of the rains just now as I said that. Thought of how fickle and petty we human beings can be when the rains come. If it's dry we dance for joy and praise the Lord, but when the monsoons come we're sure they're the work of the Devil.

So some people move to San Diego and others to Palm Beach. And some stay in Chicago because they don't know any better. Some move to Chicago to help them. Some move to Detroit.

And others? Well they turn off the TV when news of the weather in Chicago comes along. Because they've got their own problems and they're desperately searching for a peaceful place in the sun..so "f--- Chicago" they say. And Chicago goes on suffering through its brutal winters..though they look not.

Strength DOES NOT evolve in an environmental bubble. Australia, New Zealand and Madagascar are proof positive of this. Upon the introduction of even the most innocuous species (ie. Little fluffy bunnies in Australia), the entire house of cards collapses..and evolution's work finally BEGINS. The same is true of spiritual strength. We mustn't foster negativity, but neither should we hide ourselves away from it. The homeless man still sleeps in the cold whether we see him there or not. The difference is, the Lord put our eyes upon him and now we can see him there and know who we are based on how we respond to his needs.

If the idea is to create a safe oasis of peace and light for everyone..congratulations, there is a wonderful forum in which to hangout with the one active poster. Because what do you say to "Here is another pretty something to cheer you up" for the umpteenth time?! It's beautiful and it should never stop, but is that what we're shooting for? One type of content?

Keep shutting down everyone who ads variety to the site and a community of some becomes a community of few becomes a community of two.

Finally, I worry about the Shariyat syndrome. When does Greg become a prophet? How many generations removed from his actual words and intentions do the interpretations mixed with opinions begin to take on a life of THEIR own? They say the first generation after Mohamed was the least splintered.

Anyhow, I won't be a content providing puppet for anyone anymore. And although the tone was gentle, diplomatic and reasonable, Chahlie, there ARE no reasonable restraints to freedom other than those which we place on it ourselves.

I'm a big boy, I didn't have a daddy at 3 and I don't need one now. My Father's been in my heart since the day I was born..and He's telling me its time to stand up and face the struggle. So that's what I'm going to do.

If you've got a spiritual warrior in you, you might want to get out of the habit of restraining it. Time has come motherf---ers. Stop waiting for it.

Anyhow, good bye and good luck.

Love always,

daf

P.S. Chahlie, you're a clear-sighted person and a reasonable man. If you're that concerned about this site, post more here and less over there. Just a thought. Content keeps a site alive..period. Not a lack of swear words. Peace.

A story came to mind after reading this thread.

I have thought about the story and our Brother, the author, often over the years. I will share it here and confess, I have copied and pasted it, without permission .

love, juni


World of Rippled Water

Once upon a time there was a world.


Of the many special things about this world, one of the more peculiar was how it appeared to those who lived in it. See, this world was very much like water in that wherever you looked, you could see your reflection. Sometimes, if you knew what you were looking for, you would recognize that reflection and say, "Hey! That's not the world, that's not those other people! That's ME!" But see, the reflection wasn't always so clear, and many of the people that lived in it were so used to believing what they thought they saw, that they didn't really know what they were seeing at all.

Now in this world, as was already mentioned, there lived some people. They were of the ether, and truly spirits all, but since they were wrapped in a shell which was formed of the very world they lived in, they TOO appeared to be a reflection, both to those that saw them, and to themselves when they took the time to look. SOME of the time, not very often at all, a few of these people would still their surfaces just so, and when another would come up, they could TRULY see themselves reflected there, as they were.

But that was the exception, not the rule. More often than not, early on in their development, they would take to pushing, and poking and prodding at the surface of that reflective water, to see what it was made of, and learn more about it. Now in a world that is made of water, it's hard to tell where the world stops and the people (spirits wrapped in world that is water) begin. It all looks the same to the casual observer. But imagine that you're standing around, minding your own business, trying to cast a clear, clean reflection (like a lake in the wee hours of the morning, no breeze, just glassy clean) and along comes someone to poke at you (thinking they're just exploring the world.) Suddenly, there are ripples there. Suddenly, you're not glassy smooth anymore, and the reflection you cast, well, it's distorted somehow. If that happened to you, well your first reaction might be to poke right back at them!

That's what happened to this world.

The poking started innocently enough, and just kept right on going, until soon, the water was so choppy, that when the people looked at their reflection, they didn't see anything that was really true at all. Instead, what they saw, was a MONSTER staring back at them.

Now there are several ways to react when you look at your reflection and see a distorted-reflection-created monster staring back at you:

You could believe what you're seeing, and assume that you ARE a monster. That might lead you to clear yourself to do monstrous things. That IS what monsters do after all.

You might punch the reflection, lash out at it, because you couldn't possibly believe that a monster is what you are. Of course, that would just create mightier ripples, and an uglier monster would emerge from the reflection that you are looking at.

You could become very, very sad thinking that this world full of monstrous reflections of you is a terrible, terrible place. You might think that living is pointless if you're a monster. You might try to end it all.

Of course, no matter what you do, if you react to that reflection, on a world such as the one in this story, you will create more ripples. More ripples means that not only does your reflection continue to be distorted, but more reactions from those around that see their distorted reflection through your rippled surface.

It was a dilemma the people of this world had on their hands. Quite the dilemma indeed.

Now, if you've ever seen the surface of a perfectly glassy lake, you would also perhaps have seen the occasional zephyr skim over its surface. And if you've seen what the breeze does, you would know that the breeze makes little tiny ripples. As long as the lake is smooth, these ripples tend to spread themselves out thin, and everything stays tranquil. But if there is any turbulence in the water, say a wake, or a wave from something splashing, then these breezes have something to catch on. They have a surface to push on, and make bigger. It doesn't take a whole lot of wind to make a perfectly smooth lake shimmer with ripples.

Well this world had its own breezes. They were of the air. And they delighted in creating ripples that would cause the people to react. Once the reactions had started, the people themselves would continue the chain reaction, taking the tiny ripples that the breezes made and reacting to them, until their reactions became interactions and soon, everyone was reacting in their own particular way to the monster reflections that were cast upon the world.

This went on for a very long time, until one day, a person with a lot of common sense (very much like yourself), said to themselves, "Enough! I will not continue to contribute to this madness! I am not a monster, and neither are any of these people. But for as long as I continue to react to them, they will continue to see themselves all funky and distorted and so will I! I refuse, I will not react anymore!"

Well the funniest thing happened. See, even though this person with a lot of common sense (you're reading this story, aren't you? and that's a very sensible thing to be doing, so they were probably very much like you in a way) still could only see a distorted reflection of themselves coming off of these other people, they knew that this wasn't true, so they simply stayed very still and lo and behold, the people looking at them, could see very clearly, the reflection of the ripples that they themselves were making.

The other people saw that the monstrous reflection was coming from themselves and many of them stopped reacting too so as to still the ripples in themselves.

This non-reacting approach caused its OWN chain reaction, until soon, there were only ripples where the breezes blew by, and those people that were blown on, refused to react, having learned their lesson well.

When the waters of the world had stilled, and the people had begun to see, without the distortions caused by all of the rippling, they realized that they weren't monsters at all, and neither was anyone else. They were, in fact, very much alike to one another, and very beautiful indeed.

Once they'd realized how much they had in common, how alike they truly were and how beautiful they all were, well of course, they went back to poking and prodding and pushing at the world around them, because that's what people do.

But they'd learned not to react, and so they could explore one another's differences, without creating ripples and it was a very beautiful thing.

See the differences were important to explore, but until they had learned of the common bond they shared, until they had agreed to respect and love one another, those differences could not be explored without (more often than not) creating misunderstandings, arguments, in short, without creating ripples.

To explore our differences, we must FIRST learn to agree, explore our similarities and avoid the differences for a time.

Then a bond will grow, of understanding, respect and love between us, that will forgo our tendency to ripple. This is the bond of family, it is the bond of marriage, it is the bond of love that keeps these units together through even the worst of brawls.

It has been a pleasure to know you all. You're most beautiful, a treasure each and every one of you.

Love to you and a wish for you to know the peace found at that tranquil lake somewhere. It is your birthright and the truest reflection of what you are.

Love,

daf

Here, let me paraphrase:

"These are your own words daf. Eat that, hypocrite."

Passive aggressive manipulation with a metaphysical bent is still passive aggressive manipulation. You read NOTHING I wrote up there, or quickly skimmed it.

Is that what you want of me? To stick me in a box called World of Rippled Water and wished I'd ever stay there? You stop where you stand and die how you are. I'm marching on to see what it is I'm to be next.

If you're ever ready to dismount from your high perch on that saddle...I'm still me...the same ever-changing me I've always been. But save the offhand chiding for someone who's inclined.

You know our number if you'd like to get down to being real again.

Thanks.

daf

Daf,
The story is as inspiring today as it was way back when.

Live it, grow beyond it or just pitch it out. That`s one of the wonders in freedom of choice

As always, love juni

Why We Shout In Anger

Today I'm going to share a spiritual story -and- in unusual form, I'm going to share some insights of mine that go further than the story.


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"Why We Shout In Anger"
- Author Unknown

A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled and asked.

'Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout.'

'But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.' asked the saint

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.
Finally the saint explained, .

'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

He looked at his disciples and said.

'So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return. They may end up in divorce courts, for instance.'


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Candidly speaking, I've been going through a difficult time lately. I have been working with a lot of different and challenging emotions.

A lot of spiritual paths like to just focus on "feeling good." But that's a slow path to transformation because it's an attempt to override entire lifetimes of subconscious programming.

Instead, I've found that it's most helpful to focus on understanding "negative" emotions. Through understanding, I'm able to transform them into empowerment much much faster than through positive thinking alone. Neuroscience is actually starting to demonstrate exactly why this is, and I'll share that with you another time.

For now though, I want to talk a little bit about anger and how it relates to your heart.

Whenever you feel angry it's because youe WANT something that you can't have in that moment. Maybe you want something from another person and they won't give it to you. Maybe you want something from reality that you can't have.

(such as a break from frustrating kids, incompetent coworkers, a nagging spouse, unwelcome weather, financial fears, and so on and so forth...)

In short, we expect reality to be one way that is negatively different from what we want.

That's why whenever I'm having challenges in life, whenever I feel upset, I try to remember to ask myself a simple but profund question:

"What do I want to get from this?"

Or phrased slightly differently...

"What am I expecting this person to give me that I don't feel I can actually have?"

With the recent challenges in my life, I asked myself that question...

And I was NOT prepared for what I discovered!

Many spiritual teachers tell us that we should give to others.

Give unconditional love.

Give gifts.

Give ourselves.

Give charity.

Give our world praises and prizes generosity.

Give service to others.

I could write for days on people have said we should "give" to others. One reason that giving helps is that it moves us away from the more ego-centric selfish mindset that is trying to "get." Instead, we shift into a more heart-centric space that has a little less "self" in it.

I have found this shift to be helpful, so I'd often go through a 2-part process to open my heart when I felt angry or hurt. I'd ask myself these questions:

(1) "What do I want to get from this?"

That tells me which needs within feel unmet. It indicates to me how I feel unheard or unseen. The answer lets me know how far I've strayed from my True Nature.

(2) "Instead of getting, what can I give?"

This tells me how to meet those unmet needs. It indicates how I can choose to be heard and seen. The answer brings me closer to my True Nature. And quite frankly, it feels good.

So when it comes to being angry, especially with people you love, take a few moments to explore what today's story is all about...




Your Partner In Transformation,
Chris Cade
Spiritual Short Stories

Please leave me be.

This is not for you.

Thank you.


I see them again, Lord. The way they are..and it shames me.
To love them is my purpose, but I couldn't take it anymore,
so I closed my eyes and started swinging.

I'm so tired of taking it, Lord. I'm so tired..some days I just don't want to be in this one anymore. I don't know if I can believe in them..it hurts too much. I get so fed up with the insanity..Wake UP! Wake uP!..the feeling grows in me like an infection. I become so disillusioned sometimes that it sucks the marrow from my mind and leaves me empty. I'm so tired of being taken for granted. I'm so tired of being misunderstood. It's a beautiful life, but I'm so tired of being here this time, Lord.

Oh to be THERE again already, Lord. For these growing pains to be over. To look into their eyes and see recognition again..like the first time. Like in the beginning..when it was all new...and the show had just begun.

I love you.

daf

A sort of preemptive reply: Who asked you?


It's Thanksgiving again. After that it'll be Christmas. I can't wait for these holidays to be over. I can't stand them, I've never been able to.

I suppose it's different when you're surrounded by people you've known your entire life. But I don't have people like that in my life, and invariably I feel the closeness of their history and it makes me horribly uncomfortable. I feel like I should be jerking off outside of their window while they reminisce and laugh; a stranger leering in at private family moments that don't belong to him.

And I know that whatever they are feeling..is something that they enjoy. I don't know what you'd call it..belonging reliably? I haven't felt it often, if at all..so I couldn't say what it's like, or even come up with a clever turn of phrase for describing it. I just know that it's there..I don't have it, never have..and likely never will.

As a result, family holidays hint nothing to me of childhood recollections, reuniting or fun. They feel like unspoken inquisitions conducted between the lines. They feel like a yellow marker highlighting the fact that I belong nowhere..

Time to get back to the dinner..

daf

You did by posting publically....

Agreed. Not all who engage in the Holydaze see them as Festive.
In my Clan, we call them the Bermuda Triangle of Thanksgving, Christmas and New Years, where we carefully navigate into the unknown region of "anything can happen" and "WTF?" Going with the motions of what other people seem to be doing in all their delight. Never a comfortable time when dealing with sociopaths, alcoholics and those who should be committed.

However, it takes a long Time to real eyes, it is not about any of that.
It is merely a Moment to stop and take a deep breath and realize it's not what I don't or didn't have, it's about what I do have and am thankful for.
Even if it's nothing.
There is real joy in that realization.

Besides, belonging is overrated.
It is a myth Humanity sold Us so we judge our Selves from other's perspectives and feel dislocated.

In the Big Picture, we all belong to Life.

Peace to you Daf and Good Luck.

Thanksgiving .

Two words actually and both words have power. In that vein, it is not the pumpkin pie, family memories or commercial hoopla spread all over every surface of life that stirs my heart.
Oh, I do love the pie and chuckle at past memories much as the next gal The comercialism hurts my very soul but that`s for another day.

It is a time for humanity to unite in giving thanks to the Powers that Be for our blessings. Those we are Aware of and mostly the Blessings that pass by unseen as we live out our busy lives.

Giving is a gift of ourselves reflecting the Grace of our Creator.. Rather it be our time, our money or our Prayers, give til it hurts.

Give thanks for what you have and then give some of it away.

That = Thanksgiving in my Heart.

I'm just here for the PUMPKIN PIE, I can't lie. Bulch......

Let's get one thing perfectly clear. I am here because someone I love still cares about this site. Period. I am not posting for your entertainment, your amusement, your acceptance, your advice or your sympathy.

I am posting my thoughts online where someone I care about can find them and read them. If you choose to disregard a VERY clear statement requesting space because you have something OOOOH so important to tell me, then you are behaving like a rude pushy know-it-all. Back off Mrs., Mr. and Ms. Presumptuous.

Next time I see a Do Not Disturb sign on your door...guess whose breaking it down and commenting on your performance?

daf

And no, I didn't read a word you wrote. You might have thought twice before you posted them.

Welcome to my species. It's a lot like the inside of a sanitarium here, except the orderlies are crazy too.

I heard tell of a man who worked for 40 years to buy a house on wheels, then drove it twice and died. They say it happens often here.

A mother drowned her babies here..in the bathtub. Apparently their souls weren't clean enough for her liking. But she was the kind one. A normal mother here voluntarily sends her children off to be reprogrammed when they turn 5. And scolds them if they don't work hard enough at being brainwashed.

I watched them jeer at a man for announcing that alcohol was bad for them..because he had a drink in his hand. Seems to me, he would be the expert. They just called him a hypocrite. Mostly I think, because our race prefers advice..when they don't have to think too much about it. Blindly following a drunk or a hypocrite is too risky..regardless of how correct he may be.

Sometimes we'll stop a conversation or task or game to figure out who was to blame for some triviality or another. And then we won't return to the conversation, the game or the task...because we get too upset with one another while playing the blame game about nothing important.

They play a game here on our planet that never ends. They don't even have a name for it. Some don't even know they are playing..it has been going on so long. And all of the broken people try to glue themselves back together with the pieces of the other broken people. It would be tragic if it wasn't so comical. And it's only comical when it isn't in your face. Which it is. All of the time.

Very few people know what they are doing here. And so, many of them look for someone to follow. And some of the more clueless ones decide they have the ability to lead. And there is so much posturing everywhere. Everyone is trying to make themselves a leader, or push people down into the "mediocrity" of followerdom. And so the clueless pull the clueless and the clueless laugh at the clueless and the clueless follow the clueless; it resembles nothing if not a group of headless people dancing the Hora.

And sometimes I like to be as random as they are. Because anything goes in a looney bin, and I'm part of this looney bin. And here..is what it is like for me..living with YOU, and YOUR insane ways.

And they'll look at me like I'm crazy, and I'll laugh because I am..and the whole thing is so f---ing hilarious.

I mean it would be, if we weren't caught in the pit of its churning stomach. =/

daf

Ladies and gentlemen..

While exercising caution, please don't be alarmed by what you are about to see, hear, smell and experience. This is the drama of human life. This is its acrid stench and its heroic perfume. This is the taste of its turds and its tenderloins.

This is why we crawled up from the mud and into the streets of our own urban nightmare constructed upon the premise that the best person has the biggest steel and cement phallus shoved up the bum of the sky, I suppose.

And don't be alarmed by the imagery..it's raw and distasteful, but it's honest in a primitive way..and doesn't pretend to be benefitting you and yours while its stealing your view of the sky. Penthouse apartments aren't cheap when you're selling back a stolen sunset.

I digress..because I'm immersing myself in the carnival and so it feels real and comes off real and may even be real to the extent that the concrete consequences of my actions could come back boomerang-like at any moment in the form of a bone-crushing tag to the back of the skull.

I'm resigned to that...because this is the ride, and predictable rides are boring rides reserved for toddlers and their parents.

Which way to the vomit comet?

daf

I believe we're on speaking terms again, although he keeps doing the mental equivalent of turning up the stereo in his room full blast so he doesn't have to hear me.

But I'm being patient this time. He is scared, he is confused, and he is STRONG..so in the end he can be dangerous..deadly. But in the core of it, there's a little boy asked to protect the weak who found weakness where he was and became STRONG to defend himself. A loyal child who would knock a friend from the path of a speeding train despite any insistence that there is no train..and lose the friend forever, just to see them safe.

He's an honest guy. He used to be a trusting guy, but we all know how that goes...and goes away.

But I believe that for the first time in 8 years, we're finally communicating again. This time, I won't be so hard on him. This time, I'll be more forgiving. This time, I'll make allowances for his conditioning, for the mistrust of me brought on by his apparent annihilation at my hand.

This time we're partners in this thing. This time no one pulls, no one pushes, we walk side by side..and he will be comforted along the way.

This time no one holds the reins. This time there are no reins. This time the donkey walks willingly to the pasture; knowing it now not as prison..but as home.

The intellect can be our greatest weakness. You needn't ride on the back of a mighty ego beast for years to learn that this is true. The more easily we are bored, the more difficult it becomes to focus on seeing what we do not see. The more mighty the imagination, the more easily we are fooled into recognizing constructs of the mind as spiritual reality. The stronger the ego, the less likely it is that it will be willing to relinquish control.

The one saving grace of the intellectual mind, is it's constant need to know..and the possibility that this urge will lead it, through sheer curiosity, into the arms of God.

A man is being dragged behind a mule, bound and gagged, with the beast holding the rope in its mouth.

A molting spider, as weak and vulnerable as she may be, knows better than to crawl back into her old skin. A sloughed off skin is too small for what she has become: it would constrict and kill her.

Your new skin will be hard soon enough little spider, just keep standing in the sun.

daf

When we look into the eyes of anything, even our own eyes, we are looking into the eyes of the only TRUE being. When we stare upon the face or surface or form of anything at all, we are staring upon a face of that which is the only reality. These forms do not exist at all. There is only that one true sentience. You are that, I am that. This is that, that is that. The mind in its relationship with the spirit, must move much as we move through life..from selfishness, to partnership. Then, finally..it abandons itself to the common effort.

daf

We walk outside looking for love and find the world instead.

We demand that it loves us. It only rolls its eyes and walks away.

So then we beg the world to love us. It points, laughs or shakes its head in contempt.

Finally we go back inside, love ourselves, and the world comes knocking at our door.

As true as it may seem, it's rarely a good idea to tell fish market workers that they stink. (Particularly when you work at the fertilizer factory.)

Trying to walk the path under the influence of drugs, is like trying to stand up with a heavy net cast over the body. Stand first, then no net can stop you from standing.

I watched the grasses dancing with joy in the wind, each separate but whole, unique but common, alive and in love.

daf

The ego is not a bomb.
A thought is not a magnet.
Doubt creates the deception.