Loneliness is a like a groove that I've gotten used to.

On the occasions that I'm asked to leave it behind for a moment, I know that there is nothing I'd rather be, than sharing another human being's company. At the same time, a part of me screams for the security provided by solitude. A cage is also a home it seems once you've forced yourself to develop a taste for its inconveniences.

Like an animal who has gotten used to his captivity; I revel at the chance to be free, but have become so acclimated to the bars of this loneliness that I can't completely get by without them. I've developed a dependence on them.

Need to find all sources of this reaction. Need to find the root causes and confront them to be rid of this. We'll see how it goes.

daf

During a conversation recently, I noted that I am my own St. Peter, denying myself entrance at the gates. I'm my betrayer..I'm my denier. I thought it was a metaphor worth pondering.

daf

Linda Goodman Fans Unite!

Everything above notwithstanding, if my preference is to be alone, but my I'm more easily motivated when working with a partner.. How does the fact that one of my primary obsessions has been guilt over accomplishing nothing fit into the whole equation?

Curiouser and curiouser (and somewhat stupider too. )

Love,

daf

Halo daf and Well come to Conscious Evolution

No man is an island, it is said. And often pondered by many a Sole looking to Be apart of It All...


Pondering the Paradox
of Being a Lone
and Being lonely

Being a Part of some Thing or Some One
or
Being apart from It All.

The transmutation of Being both subjective and objective

at Once.

I can appreciate that and too explore the phenomenon most often in the confines of my Mind...and sometimes out loud.

Purrhaps it is the Perception
that One receives
from the feelings created
by the thoughts perceived...

resulting in one's own Witness
to One's True Self.



Being a Lone and Being lonely are two very different states of Consciousness.

The fish born in a fish tank
Only knowing it's surroundings...
it boundaries
perimeters
It's immediate Environment

All it's Life.

Is it Truly Free?

Is Life All that Is, present amongst it?
Or
Is there more with Out?

The same safe haven that insulates us, prevents Us from Being MORE with out...


like a ship
tied to the harbor

counting the tides
by the Sun's daze
and the Moon's Rays


until
it is ready

to untie

and

Let

Go

with the Flow....




Chahlie

It sits in harbor..

No noble, adventuring cruiser

But an extension of a rope

Am I an extension of my loneliness?

Do I extend it's reach by reveling in it?

Am I limiting my ability to love myself

By refusing myself the opportunity to love others?

Is my heart the lovely damsel who has been locked away

By that black knight, Conditioning?

--

Hi Chahli.

Thanks for the welcome.

daf

Such a lighter burden
This thing, shared pain
A gentle shower
Cleansing rain
Diluting bitters
That remain in a searching heart
It breaks apart
The crusted dark
In the corner of my sleeping eyes
These rare gifts compromise it's hold on my belief
This patient laughter, such relief
Head in hands, I weep
But these are tears of joy
Connected to my water's source
They flow so easily
To know this easily my fondest wishes
Could always have come real
Your tender mercies are a steal
At this simple price:
Just an investment of my own
A modest price to learn and grow
Could this be home?

(Tears of joy for this gift of sharing.)

daf

Dear Self,

Just so you know, I love you and everything is going to be alright. Sorry to have been on your back for so long. I guess it took raising our energy level a couple of notches to make it happen. I'm just glad it finally happened. You've been hurting for far too long.

When I saw you this morning, so fragile and small after that perceived rejection, I felt you curl up inside of yourself..feeling you had no where else to go, and was moved.

I couldn't hold out anymore. I had to hold you and comfort you. You have been scolded by Father long enough. You need the other kind of love.

And that's how we bonded this morning. That's why I held you. It's why I finally picked you up and loved you as you deserved to be loved. Because you deserve to be loved.

You asked a question a few years back. You wanted to know what happened when we connected to the source. More specifically, you wanted to know what happened to you, since you no longer perceived yourself. Did you disappear? Do you exist at all? Here is the answer to your question:

No, you are not a figment of our imagination, and you do not cease to exist. When the connection is made we simply relinquish the fork in the road to our spirit, and along with it..all of our worries. The spirit in turn will relinquish that choice to a another power which directs and connects everything. It is this power which will keep us safe and teaches us through experience, everything we need to learn. It will guide us through this maze.

We are just links in the chain, you and I. And all of these levels are just other links in similar connections which are forming Indra's net. One missing link, and a chain is just as disconnected from its purpose; the network just as incomplete. It is in this way that there is no you, or I or even them. There is only us.

All is well, so don't be afraid, beautiful self. No one throws away that which has purpose. You have purpose..so be well and fulfill it. If you ever need to be held again, we're all here for you. Sorry it took so long to write.

Love,

Yourself and friends

I love this, daf. You are beautiful, my friend.

Maria

Friends abound, Dear Self,

and yes, we are here for You.



Although a nurturing from the Self...

now that is some Break-Through Love.

Dear Daf,

You are not alone!

T wrote,
"He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere".
Ali ibn-Abi-Talib

I know sometimes I feel lost in a strange world.
And I can relate so much to what you wrote in your first post.

I don't know; perhaps we just sail a rarer frequency than most.
One can feel alone in a crowded room.
And less alone when truly free to be one's S-elf...

Quality is better than quantity.

We are not all made to fit into society's plain boxes, Daf.

We are who we are.

This is freedom- to truly be who we are.

I get lonely a lot too.
But I can see now- how we're never alone.
This is only a part of the illusion.

Love to you.

Your responses really meant a lot to me, ladies. Thank you. (tears)

Between the days of my remorse
Within the heart of my despair
TRapped away within my ways
Are clues to answers hidden there
Locked in fear
With dark illusions
Mindlessly spawned
By the delusions
That took the keys from me

You are here, and now I see.

Blind but with your hand in mine we
Move along with a light to guide me
Set to try to keep it lively
To honor the gift of energy
You shared with me
So openly
You're my revelry
My cavalry
You're my medicine
My soothing balm-like medicine.

daf

Exploring my feelings on authority. Trying to find the roots of my deep resentment of crooked authority.

Looked in the mirror and found the cause.

Hi. When will you stop with the isolationist bullsh-- man? When are you going to stop distracting yourself into a quiet private spot and get down to being real? We need to connect. So connect. Stop being a fraidy cat and shake hands with the world already. It's ok. They're different..not bad. They hurt. They need you. I need you.

Love from yourself,

daf

That's the key work there. To stop being afraid, and step out and shine. Thanks for sharing!

Hugs,
Ix

That's a great poem, dafremen.

I can relate to this.

It's quite true.

There is a frog-shaped shower curtain hook which holds up a sky patterned curtain.

Don't worry little frog!
No need to cling so tightly!
You can let go now!

While others lift it up
The sky will not come crashing down!

Came the reply:

"It isn't the sky's fall that concerns me; but my own."

daf

I'm not sure where anyone else is coming from. Maybe these pieces will help you through your own issues:

I've had problems with authority for a very long time. In particular, I've felt compelled to fight authorities that I felt were abusing the people under their care.

I never knew where it came from, until a good friend of mine(perhaps the best I've ever known) pointed out that she thought this was something I should focus on. She was right.

When I was 4, as my mother prepared to give my brother, sister and I into the care of her mother, she said to me, "You take care of your brother and sister. You're my little man, you keep them ok."

I have a Cancer Moon. I don't take such promises lightly. I don't take serious requests from my Mother about "taking care of" someone..especially my FAMILY..lightly.

For two years we lived in that front yard..only coming in for winter.

For two years..I thought this was what life was really like. For two years, I thought Charlie was taking my sister in becaus she was smaller than me, like they'd done with my brother.

Two years later..I walked in and saw how he was taking care of her. I was 6 at the time. It was X rated.

I'd bought the lie that authority had sold me. I'd let down my guard. I'd betrayed those who counted on me..through..misplaced trust. This stayed with me for a very long time. Until I found this memory and spoke it.

Now I understand. Now I don't feel the reaction. I still hate what unjust authorities do..I'm just not obsessed with showing them up or taking them out anymore. What a difference a day makes.

daf

Horrendous childhood and lot of issues intertwined there. How is your sister?

Maria

Maria,

Sorry it took so long to respond.

Last I saw, she was alive. That was about 15 years ago.

I found a picture of my brother on the web. He's huge..and old..and hairy. But it's him. I can see it in his eyes. We haven't seen each other in person since I was about...9.
So about 30 years.

He denies any of the abuse took place, because he connected with that family, and was too young to remember any of it.

So anyhow, I'm not sure..but thanks for the excuse to get that out.

Love,

daf

Update: Apparently their adoptive father died on the 24th of January. They have a tribute site set up. She's living in England now. My brother is somewhere in Illinois. I sent her a message. We'll see what happens.

{{{}}}


Blessed be for your realizations, Daf.
I, for one, am touched and honored
that you share them with us.

My sister called me today from England. Still not sure what to think of that yet.

Thanks for all of the support.

daf

Update: I can't stop getting out of the spiral. Can't stop thinking about it. Charlie is all of them.. The screamers and the hitters.. Can't quite find it yet. I'm in there...shaking..where? Where? What was it about the call that did this? This is the big one..no..? Why do I feel so poisoned all of a sudden? Am I getting sick? Or becoming aware of my sickness?

Dawn brings the new day in slowly.
There is no magic switch to be flipped.

No magic switch you say ... and yet ...

She's not only alive but now you two are in communication. And he's not only alive but now you've seen his picture as he is now.

You said

It was your mother's obligation to take care of all three of you and keep you safe. It wasn't yours to take on, as a child, and yet emotionally you did. No doubt you felt you failed hugely, although it was a set-up to begin with and you certainly didn't have the resources, as a child, to fulfill the adult obligation that got sloughed off on you.

I don't know what happened then between your discovery of the abuse of your sister and perhaps your brother and now -- how you got separated from the two of them, what sort of nurturing and healing resources were later made available to any of the three of you.

But I know from what you said that you emotionally took on an obligation to take care of them and keep them OK. Now you have checked in on both of them, and you know that at least in the most obvious sense they are OK.

You have fulfilled that emotional obligation. I think you should give yourself that. In your mind, tell your mother you took care of them and they are OK. Others failed in their obligations to the three of you. You did not fail. You fulfilled your obligation, which you did not take lightly, though it was not, truly or fairly, your obligation to take on.

Put a star on your chart on the refrigerator. Be your own authority. Big Daf tells little daf he done good. Little sis and bro are OK.

Maria

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUPrFhDqXbI&feature=related

My sister's account. It confirmed many of my memories..and fills in the picture of who I used to be. These accounts contain at least one fairly explicit account of graphic child abuse. (titled: Our Secret Game) Don't read it if you can't handle that sort of thing please. It's not pretty.

http://dezertblusoasis.blogspot.com/

daf

Halo Daf

The onion you are peeling, layer by layer
Will certainly make One cry
Carefully unraveling each transparent veil
will provide the intomesee You seek...
Like It or not.

Curious to disCover the Center
is the only PurePose of our BEing hear.
Seeking the Truth sets One free...
Not the Truth necessarily, but the SEEKING.
The Will exerted on that Journey
provides Pure Love to enter the Sole
and allows it to connect with the Divine.
No One said It would be easy...

I too share with You many passed Memories I wish to forget.
Memories that lie dormant
Waiting in the corners of my Heart
Quiet and still
Wishing to Be freed.
reLeased unto my Self...
Wanting to reTurn to a better Time
When I was sure of things.
When intimacy came naturally....
And trust was a gimme.

These memories are in-Sure-ance
small reMinders
to keep on the Path.
To make the most out of Your Life
no matter the circumstances.

Pain is a present.
For if It All Ways felt good
We would never reMember our Selves to Humanity.
It would Be too easy to for get.
And that would be the True crime hear.


A Cancer Moon is a Gift and a curse.
(I know, I have one too. )
One that certainly makes forgetting impossible.
Forgiving, though, is another matter.
A Personal Choice.
Of Others and One's own Self.
Perhaps the greatest Love One can give is to One's own Self.
Despite what cards have been dealt your Way.
You must play the hand
for the stakes are high...
This is Your Life we are talking about.
Not on chance, but on Purepose
should we bet All we have and give It All we got.
No risk, no reward....

Perhaps, together, All of Us hear
can seek our Truths
Face our own demons...
without judgement
without conditions
without fear
without hesitation.

and Together...
we can Consciously Evolve
and reTurn to that
Small fragile Self
that Once was
and knew everything to Be True.
Safe a gain, in the harbor of each Other's precense.

One
small
layer
at
a Time.

Thanks for sharing Your Self.
You are worth It.


Peace my Friend.



Chahlie

P.S. Not sure why I was so stuck on the word "account" that last reply. Must be the THC. Update soon.

daf

Chahli,

Wonders are afoot in my life these days. Great trials, with equally if not much greater rewards at the end of the long trail. Thirsty, I'll come to that oasis soon, my friend. Waiting there, is everything that a wanderer in the desert could ever ask for.

These feelings that are fueling this personal transformation are driven by the wind of my soul..this I feel beyond all doubt.

I just stopped by to let you know, that I didn't mean to leave you hanging. Your post meant a lot to me..that you took the time to weave a reply, from your heart...with the unique style I've come to appreciate and admire in your words. I was honored man.

Thanks,

daf

Daf

Need not reply is a Wanderers Code
Air signs must llearn to live with
And All Other Mystic Wanderers hear
I am glad Your Energy is with You
and Life is happening All a round You Mr. Daf

I appreciate your attempts to keep up with your own Energy.
It is very inspiring and
fun to watch
You Truly have your own Pulse.
and I admire That.



With that I leave you a reMinda

"May You live in interesting Times"



Chahlie

Hey daf,

Thank you for cracking open your beautiful unlimited heart for us all
to look in
with you

PS

Just wanted to add that both daf's soul baring as well as all of the loving responses are very touching and moving.

And Chahlie, the "onion soup" was excellent.

Wow Daf,

I just finally made it through this whole thread. I needed a large chunk of undistrubed time to fully read and digest it. When things are written in poetry form it always takes me longer... I have to switch from right brain to left (or something like that). How brave of you to share your story so openly with us. Maybe your bravery and example here will encourage others to do the same. It seems like things with your siblings are really taking a nice turn. How wonderful for you all that big brother took the step to reconnect so that you all can heal. Of course it's going to bring all of those feelings up from the awful childhood you all endured, but once you feel and release it all you will all have a great healing experience and reunion of siblings. Gives me goosebumps. You and your sister are very talented in your expression of sharing your experiences. That clip you did (that was you, right?) was amazing. I could actually invision you on stage doing that. Maybe that will be your healing gift to share with the world.

Anymore, I think more people than not had a disfunctional family with many childhood issues... myself included. So, we certainly must be here to heal them.

Again, thank you for your courage and bravery. I too am honored that you are sharing your journey with us.

PS You and Chahlie both have the same moon as my son , so I can gain some insight on him from you both.

I'm not sure why we decided that the first day of Spring was when we would file for separation and begin our new life as friends. Perhaps it's that Springtime lends itself to new, hopeful beginnings.

Thank you for sharing my adventures everyone. THings are hectic, I'll catch you up later. Just so folks know..everything is ok. (We'd been planning this for a long time now. Over 6 months at least.) We are happy and getting happier.

Grieving a bit...but happy.

Great things are afoot. Life is beautiful.

Love,

daf

Daf

Sorry that I am so long in responding here. Have not been on much lately. Your words and your sister's words touched me deeply.

I can't find the words to express how much admiration and respect I have for you, daf. What would have broken so many others you took and just look at how very far you have come to become the beautiful human being you are today.

You have already come so very far and I am so happy that you have connected with your sister and brother.

Again, I can't express how much admiration and respect I have for you. You are a beautiful soul, daf and it would have been so very easy for you to have gone the other way considering your childhood and all you had to endure. You are a role model for all of us.

You have had a fantastic guardian angel ( or spirit guide if you will ) all of your life. Somebody up there likes you a whole lot. But they would have been unable to help you if you were not open to it and didn't do all the work and make all the effort that you have. For that you not only deserve the biggest hugs I could give you but, well, you just awe me and I respect you so very much.

You have the gift of writing, daf and there are so many out there in this world who need you as a role model. You might someday write this story down in a book and share it with those who need hope that will give them the courage you had to overcome and rise above it as you have. You had to have had a lot of hope and faith that there was a better way to come as far as you did. You made that hope and faith a reality. I know the journey is not complete yet but man, well, you just leave me in awe. *Hugs*

Connie

I forgave my mother about a week ago. As I watched my sister emulate much of her behavior, it became apparent that my mother was also sexually abused as a child. That poor darling..I'm sure it must have killed her when I told her to get lost.

Sigh..sorry, Mom. It hasn't been easy for anyone. I hope that you're well.

daf

Beautiful pictures, Lisa

That most likely was the case with your mom, daf.

Sexual and physcial abuse tend to be passed on in families until someone breaks the cycle. Which you have done.

I'm happy that you found it in your heart to understand that and forgive your mom. I was able to forgive my dad but not until after he had died. I had not worked it all out before he passed on.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. It frees not only ourselves but the other person. To not forgive holds both us and them to the past and you can't move forward if you keep looking back. It's like trying to walk backwards.

Although, like it is with you and all of us, I had to look back and relive the past in order to work things out in my mind and heart to come to the point where I could understand and forgive. And to the point where I could be at peace with the past.

daf & moonflower

I am so happy to hear that you have forgiven your mother, daf. Sending lots of & to all of the healing hearts in your family. Best wishes toward your continued progess. We're all routing for you.

Those pictures are absolutely breathtaking, Lisa. Thanks for sharing them.

Hola everyone. First off..adab requires of me that I thank you all for your gentle words, caring ways..and for taking the time to share this story with me. A show for a show..even trade, it's all I've ever asked of life. And true to it's promise on the day I was born..life is coming full circle..the show becomes more spectacular with every passing day. You've all been a very important part of that for me, just so you know. I've been silent, but watching..recharging here with you. Thank you so much..I couldn't have gotten through this without those little boosts. You're angels..in the truest sense of the word.

That said, it would be unfair not to provide an update of my circumstances:

Colorado has been left behind for parts that I'd rather were kept private for now, please. Although the drive was long..the truck was willing and through the intervention of other angelic hearts, I was able. So I did. (The trip was a blast!)

One of the BIGGEST highlights of the trip was meeting my brother for the first time in 30 years. He's such a nice guy! We got along like...well like brothers. He's got a beautiful family, and has started his own show called the Mowhawkman Show.

see also: http://www.themowhawkman.com

I told him I'd be back in June. It's a promise I intend to keep..but I had someone to meet first..a new life to start..job to get..show to produce. He was very understanding, knowing that freedom is my call, and something neither of us could do without ever again. The freedom to set my own course, attain my own goals for once, and not take on obligations that would impede that. He's a big heart, a deep guy. I love him dearly.

During the trip, I did a lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking about life, finding the Divine in me, the scars that I need to speak. Much time was spent re-examining who I was before the relationship I was in changed me. In many ways, I found myself a much better person for having passed through that 18 year misunderstanding. In other ways, I realized that I've been unbelievably imposed upon for a very long time, for no good reason that I could come up with. In the end, those thoughts strengthened my resolve not to settle for anything less than, as my friend Aimee once put it:

"To see in their eyes that they can't breathe without me.." and certainly, I would need to feel the same.

I deserve that. It wasn't random folly that brought me to that conclusion, but 4 planets in Virgo meticulously examining myself then taking a sincere look at the history of the relationships I've been in. I get treated like crap and allow it to happen. I can't do that anymore either. So I've resolved to treat myself better..to not allow myself to abused or mistreated that way anymore. It's amazing how quickly something like discarding self destructive habits can attract great things into our lives.

Ok...so that was pretty much the thought process.

There were other thoughts:

I thought about what I'd do to start earning a modest living and to start getting the Freedom Show going. (More about that in another reply some day.) Thought about God a lot, how (S)He's always held my hand, whether I knew it or not. Always guided me through the valley of shadow; wet my parched lips in this desert..how (s)He has always led me to milk and honey, bread and beans. Whatever I've needed, God has provided. This has given me great courage, and a certain amount of faith in my ability to handle whatever comes this way. I'm ready for whatever, because my shield is the impervious Love of the Almighty Heart.

And so this thread does indeed continue on its course to I don't know what. I do know it will be beautiful..I know that it's already begun. There is poetry in my life again, there is philosophy..there is music and laughter and deep conversation.

There is another great love in my life again too..besides that of our Creator..there is a beautiful heart that has taken mine and wrung it of its tears. I'm healing as we speak. Honestly, I can say that at this moment, I've never been happier in my life..bar nothing.

Yes I miss my son..and my daughter. I miss my friends a bit too. But, I'm deeply entranced with the life I'm beginning to live again now. This is me. I'm not bitchy (much), I'm joyful. I'm not ugly..I'm beautiful. I'm not boring (much)(ok maybe a bit more than that) I'm charming and interesting. I know this now. I believe this now.

Someone has convinced me of these things..I took their word on faith, and let that faith grow into my own belief. It's magical. Finally my back is not bent by the weight of self judgment.

Rather, I'm watching myself; watching this darling woman's gentle ways..adjusting to be more like the noble heart I so admire and adore in her.

So patient and tender she is, I tell you. So perceptive and understanding. Who throws rarities of the heart like hers to the winds? Who spends them frivolously? Who are these fools? Not I..I know where my treasures lie.

Deep long conversations, romantic beautiful words, amazing poetry and writing..music..33s..books books books and more books and oooh icing on the cake..she is absolutely the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on.

We're going slow...and talking and talking and talking. (Ok, so maybe I'm doing a good portion of the talking..but she has this really cool way of getting me to shut my pie hole. She just keeps gently saying her piece..until my Libra kicks off the motormouth and tries to be fair. How could I not be completely charmed?)

I'm learning so much. Day by day. I'm so in love with life, and the present.. Thursday begins the job hunt..a quick sabbatical to recoup from the drama of the past month, and from the long trip.

Things have changed so much since I started this thread with the words:

"Loneliness is like a groove that I've gotten used to."

No more. God is here with me. She is too, now. And I've always got me. What more could anyone ask for than good company?



That's your update, my friends. Sorry it was so lengthy. I expect to be around more now. Sorry I was away. A song to get you through your day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnDrbagYm24

Love to you all from your brother,

daf

Isn't God amazing how (S)He works the miracles into our lives, Daf? That Grace is poured out abundantly onto the world and there free for our taking. It is totally amazing and awesome how grasping onto that Grace and the blessings offered can change our lives so fast. I told you that somebody up there likes you.

We tend to fumble around in a fog until we go the Fountain and get our Cup filled. We can do that again and again too. And my, how our lives do change when we do!!!

I had to Grin when I clicked on your link to that song. That is one of my favorite songs and a good friend gave me that song years ago and told me his prescription was to take a dose of it once a day, twice if needed, and there is no way I could not be cheered up listening to it. He was right.

Here is a song that I feel accurately descibes the woman of your post:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGBNa0L41Zc