Loneliness is a like a groove that I've gotten used to.

On the occasions that I'm asked to leave it behind for a moment, I know that there is nothing I'd rather be, than sharing another human being's company. At the same time, a part of me screams for the security provided by solitude. A cage is also a home it seems once you've forced yourself to develop a taste for its inconveniences.

Like an animal who has gotten used to his captivity; I revel at the chance to be free, but have become so acclimated to the bars of this loneliness that I can't completely get by without them. I've developed a dependence on them.

Need to find all sources of this reaction. Need to find the root causes and confront them to be rid of this. We'll see how it goes.

daf

During a conversation recently, I noted that I am my own St. Peter, denying myself entrance at the gates. I'm my betrayer..I'm my denier. I thought it was a metaphor worth pondering.

daf

Linda Goodman Fans Unite!

Everything above notwithstanding, if my preference is to be alone, but my I'm more easily motivated when working with a partner.. How does the fact that one of my primary obsessions has been guilt over accomplishing nothing fit into the whole equation?

Curiouser and curiouser (and somewhat stupider too. )

Love,

daf

Halo daf and Well come to Conscious Evolution

No man is an island, it is said. And often pondered by many a Sole looking to Be apart of It All...


Pondering the Paradox
of Being a Lone
and Being lonely

Being a Part of some Thing or Some One
or
Being apart from It All.

The transmutation of Being both subjective and objective

at Once.

I can appreciate that and too explore the phenomenon most often in the confines of my Mind...and sometimes out loud.

Purrhaps it is the Perception
that One receives
from the feelings created
by the thoughts perceived...

resulting in one's own Witness
to One's True Self.



Being a Lone and Being lonely are two very different states of Consciousness.

The fish born in a fish tank
Only knowing it's surroundings...
it boundaries
perimeters
It's immediate Environment

All it's Life.

Is it Truly Free?

Is Life All that Is, present amongst it?
Or
Is there more with Out?

The same safe haven that insulates us, prevents Us from Being MORE with out...


like a ship
tied to the harbor

counting the tides
by the Sun's daze
and the Moon's Rays


until
it is ready

to untie

and

Let

Go

with the Flow....




Chahlie

It sits in harbor..

No noble, adventuring cruiser

But an extension of a rope

Am I an extension of my loneliness?

Do I extend it's reach by reveling in it?

Am I limiting my ability to love myself

By refusing myself the opportunity to love others?

Is my heart the lovely damsel who has been locked away

By that black knight, Conditioning?

--

Hi Chahli.

Thanks for the welcome.

daf

Such a lighter burden
This thing, shared pain
A gentle shower
Cleansing rain
Diluting bitters
That remain in a searching heart
It breaks apart
The crusted dark
In the corner of my sleeping eyes
These rare gifts compromise it's hold on my belief
This patient laughter, such relief
Head in hands, I weep
But these are tears of joy
Connected to my water's source
They flow so easily
To know this easily my fondest wishes
Could always have come real
Your tender mercies are a steal
At this simple price:
Just an investment of my own
A modest price to learn and grow
Could this be home?

(Tears of joy for this gift of sharing.)

daf

Dear Self,

Just so you know, I love you and everything is going to be alright. Sorry to have been on your back for so long. I guess it took raising our energy level a couple of notches to make it happen. I'm just glad it finally happened. You've been hurting for far too long.

When I saw you this morning, so fragile and small after that perceived rejection, I felt you curl up inside of yourself..feeling you had no where else to go, and was moved.

I couldn't hold out anymore. I had to hold you and comfort you. You have been scolded by Father long enough. You need the other kind of love.

And that's how we bonded this morning. That's why I held you. It's why I finally picked you up and loved you as you deserved to be loved. Because you deserve to be loved.

You asked a question a few years back. You wanted to know what happened when we connected to the source. More specifically, you wanted to know what happened to you, since you no longer perceived yourself. Did you disappear? Do you exist at all? Here is the answer to your question:

No, you are not a figment of our imagination, and you do not cease to exist. When the connection is made we simply relinquish the fork in the road to our spirit, and along with it..all of our worries. The spirit in turn will relinquish that choice to a another power which directs and connects everything. It is this power which will keep us safe and teaches us through experience, everything we need to learn. It will guide us through this maze.

We are just links in the chain, you and I. And all of these levels are just other links in similar connections which are forming Indra's net. One missing link, and a chain is just as disconnected from its purpose; the network just as incomplete. It is in this way that there is no you, or I or even them. There is only us.

All is well, so don't be afraid, beautiful self. No one throws away that which has purpose. You have purpose..so be well and fulfill it. If you ever need to be held again, we're all here for you. Sorry it took so long to write.

Love,

Yourself and friends

I love this, daf. You are beautiful, my friend.

Maria

Friends abound, Dear Self,

and yes, we are here for You.



Although a nurturing from the Self...

now that is some Break-Through Love.

Dear Daf,

You are not alone!

T wrote,
"He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere".
Ali ibn-Abi-Talib

I know sometimes I feel lost in a strange world.
And I can relate so much to what you wrote in your first post.

I don't know; perhaps we just sail a rarer frequency than most.
One can feel alone in a crowded room.
And less alone when truly free to be one's S-elf...

Quality is better than quantity.

We are not all made to fit into society's plain boxes, Daf.

We are who we are.

This is freedom- to truly be who we are.

I get lonely a lot too.
But I can see now- how we're never alone.
This is only a part of the illusion.

Love to you.

Your responses really meant a lot to me, ladies. Thank you. (tears)

Between the days of my remorse
Within the heart of my despair
TRapped away within my ways
Are clues to answers hidden there
Locked in fear
With dark illusions
Mindlessly spawned
By the delusions
That took the keys from me

You are here, and now I see.

Blind but with your hand in mine we
Move along with a light to guide me
Set to try to keep it lively
To honor the gift of energy
You shared with me
So openly
You're my revelry
My cavalry
You're my medicine
My soothing balm-like medicine.

daf

Exploring my feelings on authority. Trying to find the roots of my deep resentment of crooked authority.

Looked in the mirror and found the cause.

Hi. When will you stop with the isolationist bullsh-- man? When are you going to stop distracting yourself into a quiet private spot and get down to being real? We need to connect. So connect. Stop being a fraidy cat and shake hands with the world already. It's ok. They're different..not bad. They hurt. They need you. I need you.

Love from yourself,

daf

That's the key work there. To stop being afraid, and step out and shine. Thanks for sharing!

Hugs,
Ix

That's a great poem, dafremen.

I can relate to this.

It's quite true.

There is a frog-shaped shower curtain hook which holds up a sky patterned curtain.

Don't worry little frog!
No need to cling so tightly!
You can let go now!

While others lift it up
The sky will not come crashing down!

Came the reply:

"It isn't the sky's fall that concerns me; but my own."

daf

I'm not sure where anyone else is coming from. Maybe these pieces will help you through your own issues:

I've had problems with authority for a very long time. In particular, I've felt compelled to fight authorities that I felt were abusing the people under their care.

I never knew where it came from, until a good friend of mine(perhaps the best I've ever known) pointed out that she thought this was something I should focus on. She was right.

When I was 4, as my mother prepared to give my brother, sister and I into the care of her mother, she said to me, "You take care of your brother and sister. You're my little man, you keep them ok."

I have a Cancer Moon. I don't take such promises lightly. I don't take serious requests from my Mother about "taking care of" someone..especially my FAMILY..lightly.

For two years we lived in that front yard..only coming in for winter.

For two years..I thought this was what life was really like. For two years, I thought Charlie was taking my sister in becaus she was smaller than me, like they'd done with my brother.

Two years later..I walked in and saw how he was taking care of her. I was 6 at the time. It was X rated.

I'd bought the lie that authority had sold me. I'd let down my guard. I'd betrayed those who counted on me..through..misplaced trust. This stayed with me for a very long time. Until I found this memory and spoke it.

Now I understand. Now I don't feel the reaction. I still hate what unjust authorities do..I'm just not obsessed with showing them up or taking them out anymore. What a difference a day makes.

daf

Horrendous childhood and lot of issues intertwined there. How is your sister?

Maria

Maria,

Sorry it took so long to respond.

Last I saw, she was alive. That was about 15 years ago.

I found a picture of my brother on the web. He's huge..and old..and hairy. But it's him. I can see it in his eyes. We haven't seen each other in person since I was about...9.
So about 30 years.

He denies any of the abuse took place, because he connected with that family, and was too young to remember any of it.

So anyhow, I'm not sure..but thanks for the excuse to get that out.

Love,

daf

Update: Apparently their adoptive father died on the 24th of January. They have a tribute site set up. She's living in England now. My brother is somewhere in Illinois. I sent her a message. We'll see what happens.

{{{}}}


Blessed be for your realizations, Daf.
I, for one, am touched and honored
that you share them with us.

My sister called me today from England. Still not sure what to think of that yet.

Thanks for all of the support.

daf

Update: I can't stop getting out of the spiral. Can't stop thinking about it. Charlie is all of them.. The screamers and the hitters.. Can't quite find it yet. I'm in there...shaking..where? Where? What was it about the call that did this? This is the big one..no..? Why do I feel so poisoned all of a sudden? Am I getting sick? Or becoming aware of my sickness?

Dawn brings the new day in slowly.
There is no magic switch to be flipped.

No magic switch you say ... and yet ...

She's not only alive but now you two are in communication. And he's not only alive but now you've seen his picture as he is now.

You said

It was your mother's obligation to take care of all three of you and keep you safe. It wasn't yours to take on, as a child, and yet emotionally you did. No doubt you felt you failed hugely, although it was a set-up to begin with and you certainly didn't have the resources, as a child, to fulfill the adult obligation that got sloughed off on you.

I don't know what happened then between your discovery of the abuse of your sister and perhaps your brother and now -- how you got separated from the two of them, what sort of nurturing and healing resources were later made available to any of the three of you.

But I know from what you said that you emotionally took on an obligation to take care of them and keep them OK. Now you have checked in on both of them, and you know that at least in the most obvious sense they are OK.

You have fulfilled that emotional obligation. I think you should give yourself that. In your mind, tell your mother you took care of them and they are OK. Others failed in their obligations to the three of you. You did not fail. You fulfilled your obligation, which you did not take lightly, though it was not, truly or fairly, your obligation to take on.

Put a star on your chart on the refrigerator. Be your own authority. Big Daf tells little daf he done good. Little sis and bro are OK.

Maria

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUPrFhDqXbI&feature=related

My sister's account. It confirmed many of my memories..and fills in the picture of who I used to be. These accounts contain at least one fairly explicit account of graphic child abuse. (titled: Our Secret Game) Don't read it if you can't handle that sort of thing please. It's not pretty.

http://dezertblusoasis.blogspot.com/

daf