Halo Daf

The onion you are peeling, layer by layer
Will certainly make One cry
Carefully unraveling each transparent veil
will provide the intomesee You seek...
Like It or not.

Curious to disCover the Center
is the only PurePose of our BEing hear.
Seeking the Truth sets One free...
Not the Truth necessarily, but the SEEKING.
The Will exerted on that Journey
provides Pure Love to enter the Sole
and allows it to connect with the Divine.
No One said It would be easy...

I too share with You many passed Memories I wish to forget.
Memories that lie dormant
Waiting in the corners of my Heart
Quiet and still
Wishing to Be freed.
reLeased unto my Self...
Wanting to reTurn to a better Time
When I was sure of things.
When intimacy came naturally....
And trust was a gimme.

These memories are in-Sure-ance
small reMinders
to keep on the Path.
To make the most out of Your Life
no matter the circumstances.

Pain is a present.
For if It All Ways felt good
We would never reMember our Selves to Humanity.
It would Be too easy to for get.
And that would be the True crime hear.


A Cancer Moon is a Gift and a curse.
(I know, I have one too. )
One that certainly makes forgetting impossible.
Forgiving, though, is another matter.
A Personal Choice.
Of Others and One's own Self.
Perhaps the greatest Love One can give is to One's own Self.
Despite what cards have been dealt your Way.
You must play the hand
for the stakes are high...
This is Your Life we are talking about.
Not on chance, but on Purepose
should we bet All we have and give It All we got.
No risk, no reward....

Perhaps, together, All of Us hear
can seek our Truths
Face our own demons...
without judgement
without conditions
without fear
without hesitation.

and Together...
we can Consciously Evolve
and reTurn to that
Small fragile Self
that Once was
and knew everything to Be True.
Safe a gain, in the harbor of each Other's precense.

One
small
layer
at
a Time.

Thanks for sharing Your Self.
You are worth It.


Peace my Friend.



Chahlie

P.S. Not sure why I was so stuck on the word "account" that last reply. Must be the THC. Update soon.

daf

Chahli,

Wonders are afoot in my life these days. Great trials, with equally if not much greater rewards at the end of the long trail. Thirsty, I'll come to that oasis soon, my friend. Waiting there, is everything that a wanderer in the desert could ever ask for.

These feelings that are fueling this personal transformation are driven by the wind of my soul..this I feel beyond all doubt.

I just stopped by to let you know, that I didn't mean to leave you hanging. Your post meant a lot to me..that you took the time to weave a reply, from your heart...with the unique style I've come to appreciate and admire in your words. I was honored man.

Thanks,

daf

Daf

Need not reply is a Wanderers Code
Air signs must llearn to live with
And All Other Mystic Wanderers hear
I am glad Your Energy is with You
and Life is happening All a round You Mr. Daf

I appreciate your attempts to keep up with your own Energy.
It is very inspiring and
fun to watch
You Truly have your own Pulse.
and I admire That.



With that I leave you a reMinda

"May You live in interesting Times"



Chahlie

Hey daf,

Thank you for cracking open your beautiful unlimited heart for us all
to look in
with you

PS

Just wanted to add that both daf's soul baring as well as all of the loving responses are very touching and moving.

And Chahlie, the "onion soup" was excellent.

Wow Daf,

I just finally made it through this whole thread. I needed a large chunk of undistrubed time to fully read and digest it. When things are written in poetry form it always takes me longer... I have to switch from right brain to left (or something like that). How brave of you to share your story so openly with us. Maybe your bravery and example here will encourage others to do the same. It seems like things with your siblings are really taking a nice turn. How wonderful for you all that big brother took the step to reconnect so that you all can heal. Of course it's going to bring all of those feelings up from the awful childhood you all endured, but once you feel and release it all you will all have a great healing experience and reunion of siblings. Gives me goosebumps. You and your sister are very talented in your expression of sharing your experiences. That clip you did (that was you, right?) was amazing. I could actually invision you on stage doing that. Maybe that will be your healing gift to share with the world.

Anymore, I think more people than not had a disfunctional family with many childhood issues... myself included. So, we certainly must be here to heal them.

Again, thank you for your courage and bravery. I too am honored that you are sharing your journey with us.

PS You and Chahlie both have the same moon as my son , so I can gain some insight on him from you both.

I'm not sure why we decided that the first day of Spring was when we would file for separation and begin our new life as friends. Perhaps it's that Springtime lends itself to new, hopeful beginnings.

Thank you for sharing my adventures everyone. THings are hectic, I'll catch you up later. Just so folks know..everything is ok. (We'd been planning this for a long time now. Over 6 months at least.) We are happy and getting happier.

Grieving a bit...but happy.

Great things are afoot. Life is beautiful.

Love,

daf

Daf

Sorry that I am so long in responding here. Have not been on much lately. Your words and your sister's words touched me deeply.

I can't find the words to express how much admiration and respect I have for you, daf. What would have broken so many others you took and just look at how very far you have come to become the beautiful human being you are today.

You have already come so very far and I am so happy that you have connected with your sister and brother.

Again, I can't express how much admiration and respect I have for you. You are a beautiful soul, daf and it would have been so very easy for you to have gone the other way considering your childhood and all you had to endure. You are a role model for all of us.

You have had a fantastic guardian angel ( or spirit guide if you will ) all of your life. Somebody up there likes you a whole lot. But they would have been unable to help you if you were not open to it and didn't do all the work and make all the effort that you have. For that you not only deserve the biggest hugs I could give you but, well, you just awe me and I respect you so very much.

You have the gift of writing, daf and there are so many out there in this world who need you as a role model. You might someday write this story down in a book and share it with those who need hope that will give them the courage you had to overcome and rise above it as you have. You had to have had a lot of hope and faith that there was a better way to come as far as you did. You made that hope and faith a reality. I know the journey is not complete yet but man, well, you just leave me in awe. *Hugs*

Connie

I forgave my mother about a week ago. As I watched my sister emulate much of her behavior, it became apparent that my mother was also sexually abused as a child. That poor darling..I'm sure it must have killed her when I told her to get lost.

Sigh..sorry, Mom. It hasn't been easy for anyone. I hope that you're well.

daf

Beautiful pictures, Lisa

That most likely was the case with your mom, daf.

Sexual and physcial abuse tend to be passed on in families until someone breaks the cycle. Which you have done.

I'm happy that you found it in your heart to understand that and forgive your mom. I was able to forgive my dad but not until after he had died. I had not worked it all out before he passed on.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. It frees not only ourselves but the other person. To not forgive holds both us and them to the past and you can't move forward if you keep looking back. It's like trying to walk backwards.

Although, like it is with you and all of us, I had to look back and relive the past in order to work things out in my mind and heart to come to the point where I could understand and forgive. And to the point where I could be at peace with the past.

daf & moonflower

I am so happy to hear that you have forgiven your mother, daf. Sending lots of & to all of the healing hearts in your family. Best wishes toward your continued progess. We're all routing for you.

Those pictures are absolutely breathtaking, Lisa. Thanks for sharing them.

Hola everyone. First off..adab requires of me that I thank you all for your gentle words, caring ways..and for taking the time to share this story with me. A show for a show..even trade, it's all I've ever asked of life. And true to it's promise on the day I was born..life is coming full circle..the show becomes more spectacular with every passing day. You've all been a very important part of that for me, just so you know. I've been silent, but watching..recharging here with you. Thank you so much..I couldn't have gotten through this without those little boosts. You're angels..in the truest sense of the word.

That said, it would be unfair not to provide an update of my circumstances:

Colorado has been left behind for parts that I'd rather were kept private for now, please. Although the drive was long..the truck was willing and through the intervention of other angelic hearts, I was able. So I did. (The trip was a blast!)

One of the BIGGEST highlights of the trip was meeting my brother for the first time in 30 years. He's such a nice guy! We got along like...well like brothers. He's got a beautiful family, and has started his own show called the Mowhawkman Show.

see also: http://www.themowhawkman.com

I told him I'd be back in June. It's a promise I intend to keep..but I had someone to meet first..a new life to start..job to get..show to produce. He was very understanding, knowing that freedom is my call, and something neither of us could do without ever again. The freedom to set my own course, attain my own goals for once, and not take on obligations that would impede that. He's a big heart, a deep guy. I love him dearly.

During the trip, I did a lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking about life, finding the Divine in me, the scars that I need to speak. Much time was spent re-examining who I was before the relationship I was in changed me. In many ways, I found myself a much better person for having passed through that 18 year misunderstanding. In other ways, I realized that I've been unbelievably imposed upon for a very long time, for no good reason that I could come up with. In the end, those thoughts strengthened my resolve not to settle for anything less than, as my friend Aimee once put it:

"To see in their eyes that they can't breathe without me.." and certainly, I would need to feel the same.

I deserve that. It wasn't random folly that brought me to that conclusion, but 4 planets in Virgo meticulously examining myself then taking a sincere look at the history of the relationships I've been in. I get treated like crap and allow it to happen. I can't do that anymore either. So I've resolved to treat myself better..to not allow myself to abused or mistreated that way anymore. It's amazing how quickly something like discarding self destructive habits can attract great things into our lives.

Ok...so that was pretty much the thought process.

There were other thoughts:

I thought about what I'd do to start earning a modest living and to start getting the Freedom Show going. (More about that in another reply some day.) Thought about God a lot, how (S)He's always held my hand, whether I knew it or not. Always guided me through the valley of shadow; wet my parched lips in this desert..how (s)He has always led me to milk and honey, bread and beans. Whatever I've needed, God has provided. This has given me great courage, and a certain amount of faith in my ability to handle whatever comes this way. I'm ready for whatever, because my shield is the impervious Love of the Almighty Heart.

And so this thread does indeed continue on its course to I don't know what. I do know it will be beautiful..I know that it's already begun. There is poetry in my life again, there is philosophy..there is music and laughter and deep conversation.

There is another great love in my life again too..besides that of our Creator..there is a beautiful heart that has taken mine and wrung it of its tears. I'm healing as we speak. Honestly, I can say that at this moment, I've never been happier in my life..bar nothing.

Yes I miss my son..and my daughter. I miss my friends a bit too. But, I'm deeply entranced with the life I'm beginning to live again now. This is me. I'm not bitchy (much), I'm joyful. I'm not ugly..I'm beautiful. I'm not boring (much)(ok maybe a bit more than that) I'm charming and interesting. I know this now. I believe this now.

Someone has convinced me of these things..I took their word on faith, and let that faith grow into my own belief. It's magical. Finally my back is not bent by the weight of self judgment.

Rather, I'm watching myself; watching this darling woman's gentle ways..adjusting to be more like the noble heart I so admire and adore in her.

So patient and tender she is, I tell you. So perceptive and understanding. Who throws rarities of the heart like hers to the winds? Who spends them frivolously? Who are these fools? Not I..I know where my treasures lie.

Deep long conversations, romantic beautiful words, amazing poetry and writing..music..33s..books books books and more books and oooh icing on the cake..she is absolutely the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on.

We're going slow...and talking and talking and talking. (Ok, so maybe I'm doing a good portion of the talking..but she has this really cool way of getting me to shut my pie hole. She just keeps gently saying her piece..until my Libra kicks off the motormouth and tries to be fair. How could I not be completely charmed?)

I'm learning so much. Day by day. I'm so in love with life, and the present.. Thursday begins the job hunt..a quick sabbatical to recoup from the drama of the past month, and from the long trip.

Things have changed so much since I started this thread with the words:

"Loneliness is like a groove that I've gotten used to."

No more. God is here with me. She is too, now. And I've always got me. What more could anyone ask for than good company?



That's your update, my friends. Sorry it was so lengthy. I expect to be around more now. Sorry I was away. A song to get you through your day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnDrbagYm24

Love to you all from your brother,

daf

Isn't God amazing how (S)He works the miracles into our lives, Daf? That Grace is poured out abundantly onto the world and there free for our taking. It is totally amazing and awesome how grasping onto that Grace and the blessings offered can change our lives so fast. I told you that somebody up there likes you.

We tend to fumble around in a fog until we go the Fountain and get our Cup filled. We can do that again and again too. And my, how our lives do change when we do!!!

I had to Grin when I clicked on your link to that song. That is one of my favorite songs and a good friend gave me that song years ago and told me his prescription was to take a dose of it once a day, twice if needed, and there is no way I could not be cheered up listening to it. He was right.

Here is a song that I feel accurately descibes the woman of your post:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGBNa0L41Zc

I'm fighting myself as to whether I should say anything at all, and what I want to say is probably going to sound snarky, but I don't mean it on that level. I mean it on a straight friend-to-friend level of "you need to think about this."

And what I want to say is another negative pattern that can get passed down is abandoning kids. Frankly, and I'm just going to say this straight out -- it totally sucks for your kids for you to not only move out but move a far distance away, entranced with your freedom and another woman.

Put yourself in their place for one second. Look at it from their point of view of what that says about what their dad values. Disheartening? Demoralizing? Devastating?

I am glad you met your brother.

The rest of it I can't celebrate with you at all. I'm so sorry for you and your family.

Maria

Until the custody hearings are over, I can't take him out of state. I called him at school today, and yesterday. I'm calling him tonight. He knows I love him. I can't let my obligation to him become a tool. He knows this, I know this. So I support him with my love, my calls...my advice, my understanding and my pride.

Now put yourself in our places. Me..the guy who I thought maybe you had started to know..understand. I speak from my heart.

Why would you say that? Such is fire's need to follow it's own path to it's own conclusion I suppose. Either that, or you have your own story related to this subject. I'm sorry for any pain you might have dealt with related to divorce Maria. (I'm assuming..sorry.)

Just a touch of my own fire...because it burns right now:

What an awful condemnation!

For you to assume that my relationship with my son..my heart..my Z..would be so mundane and selfish, when I'm the way I try to be...with you, a complete stranger and so many other strangers.. has me taken aback.

The rest of our family (except the Ex) is ecstatic about our separation. They were wondering what took us so long. Ever seen your partner put a knife to your kid's throat Maria? Ever had them threaten to kill your whole family while you slept? Put poison in your food? Threaten to cut off your unmentionables while you slept? Then hack a pound of flesh from their lower forearm..demonstrating that they're capable of such acts? Let me know..I'm not saying that you haven't had similar experiences..I just wonder if you have.

I think I'm getting indignant and pissed about this. I'm going to disengage. (There's the obligatory self exploration.)

K..sorry about that. It hurt to hear those things from you..that's all.

Zmo is my right hand friend. We've been through hell and back together, I'd never leave him. Ever. We just have to wait until June, because a judge says so.

Thanks for your concern Maria.. I know it is heartfelt and from a place of caring. That's how I know that your heart's shining brightly as usual..

daf

P.S. I might be over stepping my bounds here, and the Lord will certainly make me aware if that is so, but I think that one day, if I am careful and patient..you and I will laugh together about your second to last sentence. Wish me luck if you can. Love to you Maria.

I can speak from my own childhood situation. My parents stayed together and fought the whole time I was growing up. Some of those fights were very frightening to a child as they seemed hate filled and particularly violent. No hitting - but there was always the possibility in my mind as child that it would lead up to that. Picture a small little girl in the middle of two parents screaming at each other, crying and trying to push them apart and begging and pleading for them to stop you have an accurate picture of my childhood on almost a daily basis.

I watched it rob my mom of her will to live at times and I saw the depression and sadness it caused in her. I saw the same in my dad. I saw the all around sadness and the arguing and fighting on an almost daily basis and it took it's toll on the three of us kids. By the time I was 12 years old until I was 15 years old I was afraid to leave the house for any length of time to be with my friends doing the normal things a kid does because I feared my parents would kill each other if I were not there to stop them.

By the time I was 12 - 13 years old I wished my parents would divorce. So did my sister and brother. So I am speaking from experience. It is never good to stay together for the sake of the kids because it has the opposite effect on kids. It is horrible for a child to grow up in that kind of environment.

Divorce and separation is not the same as abandonment and rejection. I know this well too from my childhood. A parent can live in the same house with a child and still be abandoning and rejecting. Because whether the parent is there or not it is an attitude. My parents were too caught up in their own problems with each other to be there for us.

I know for certain that it was his love for his children that caused Daf to tolerate and live in an emotionally blackmailing situation for years. Maria, I am sure if you did have all the facts you would see things differently because you do have an understanding heart and mind.

Things are not always as they may seem to be.

Dear Daf, Maria, and Connie,

Having major computer problems now... It took so long just to patch my way into the site, and my reward was this first thread I read, which contained these outpourings from your hearts. Thank you all for sharing as you do. I love and admire all of you.

You are loved and admired in return, PD

I hope that you get your computer problems fixed soon so you can keep posting regularly because your posts are always filled with love and wisdom. Not to mention that pisces empathy and compassion.

I was really really lucky. When my folks split, they lived a mile apart, both came to everybody's birthday parties, performances, etc. Sure, they felt whatever discomfort that seeing each other would cause them, but they didn't let it cause us discomfort. They were the adults. We were the kids. We came first. It's really frustrating to me how few people these days get it. Kids need both their parent to be there for them, literally, geographically.

And I'll just stay off the thread henceforth. That's not a problem.

Hugs all,
Maria

Actually, I fully agree with what you said here, Maria. That is the way it should be. That is the way it has been since Lisa's divorce. Brody spends a lot of time at his dad's house. The girls can't spend as much time with him since they attend school now. But in the summer they do. Lisa's ex is still considered a member of the family and always will be treated as such because he is the father of our grandchildren. He spends every holiday with them and is here for every birthday party. When he is here is he treated like he always was.

However, whether or not such an ideal arrangement is possible depends on the situation. It was possible with your mom and dad and it is possible with Lisa and her ex because both parties are rational and reasonable adults whose foremost concern is for the well being of the kids. In a lot of divorce cases one of the parties is more concerned with themselves and is not a rational and reasonable adult. In such cases what is best or ideal cannot happen. It takes both parties. Not just one of them.

Daf has explained what his ex ( or soon to be ex ) is like and what she has done in the past. From what he has said I do not see it possible in his case to have that ideal situation of joint understanding and concern for only the well being of the kids. Daf, I am sure, would like to see it the way you and I described it for the sake of his kids and grand kids but I don't think his ex would be able to pull it off because her concern, from what he stated here about the knife to one of kids throat as a threat to him, does not seem to be for what is best is for the kids and grand kids. I hope I am not out of line in saying that it seems to me her only concern is for what she wants and how she can manipulate to get it.

So yes, I agree with your thinking on how it should be. But I also realize that not every situation is the same and for that reason what is best for everyone all around is just not possible in many cases.

Dear Maria,

Thank you very much! I made it here again.

I am researching to see if I can disable old built-ins that seem to be causing my problem.

Such research really, really bores me. There's one I'm not sure is "safe" to disable yet, but I'll do it as a last resort if I end up really stuck.

Also, I'm starting to become cynical about the words "safety" and "security." These words, too, have been things that really, really bore me... a development of the last few years. I'll work on that.

Old PD won't stay down for long.

Love,

Hi Daf and all,

Don't mean to butt in, and I'm late and have missed a lot of discussions, but if you care to share... Does ex have physical custody of the kids now? Because it sounds from the last few posts she is mentally ill and unstable-- manipulative and selfish because of that.

Just wondering if I can help, as someone I know went through a very similar situation. He got 100% custody and she lost all contact because she was ... nuts... and dangerous to their psyche and wellbeing. Despite how CRAZY the things she did, it was a l o o o o o o n n g and $$$$$$$$$$$$ court battle (of course, what else). He almost lost the case, and everything, and the court system was ... nuts!

I was sad that although the custody hearing ended up right, it did not solve the problem of the woman's mental illness and left her to her own devises and her (crazy) family's. She was addicted to medication, and that might have been just a symptom, I don't know. But it's like all such situations in our society-- There are people who are desperately ill and need HELP, and it is not available unless a) they are willing, and being messed up they often really don't know how to do that, and b) they have to have $$$$$$$ to stay in a program.

In a perfect world we'd have beautiful places with caring staff surrounded by gardens and peaceful meadows to help such people. Like rock stars can afford. But, gotta fund that military instead, etc.

Your kids will know you love them and I believe also need to see that you go on trying to treat their mother with love, too, as hard as that is. If your kids at least know you want to support her and demonstrate that despite her problems you all love her anyways, that goes a long way toward healing for everyone.

PD

What you said touches on a subject that I could probably go on for hours about but I will spare you all.

That subject is the fine line between caring and enabling which our society these days can't seem to balance out. We live in a world society of enablers and co-dependents. Which, I feel, is one of the reasons the world is so screwed up.

Jesus said, " Love one another as you love yourself." We first have to take care of ourselves and love ourselves before we truly can love and take care of others without enabling them to continue on as they are. We may have very good intentions without realizing we are enabling but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Jesus also said, " Love one another as I have loved you." And we all know that Jesus/God is no enabler. In fact, I would go so far as to say God practices "tough love" on us since he allows us free reign to rise and fall and goof up our lives on our own with the hope we learn from those mistakes and experiences.

We are only required to make effort and do as much we possibly can without it causing any ill effects on our own well being. In other words, what I am trying to say is, treat others with the same love and in the same way you would treat yourself, but we are not required to treat others better than we treat ourselves or love others more than we do ourselves. Of course I am speaking of a healthy self-love. Not a narcisstic, self-centered love. Jesus, out of his love, did that for all mankind on the cross ( from a Christian viewpoint ) so there is no reason for us to be nailed to the cross and pour out our lives for the sake of the world or others. Jesus already did that for us. As for me I don't feel I can add to his sacrifice so I don't suffer from a messiah complex of feeling the need to let anything or anyone nail me to a cross. Truthfully I do a pretty good job of that myself most times.

We have real crosses to bear in life. Those are fashioned just for our own unique spiritual journey. Those are the crosses we can't change or control or do anything about. However, many of the crosses we bear in life are of our own doing - our own fashion- and are not even necessary. Those are the crosses that will drag us down and cause a lot of unnecessary suffering. Those are the crosses that we can control and we can change. Those are the crosses we need to set aside along the journey.

We all know that when we are depressed, suffering, angry, resentful, and basically very unhappy, we are not only NOT helping those around us we are dragging them down with us. We can't make others happy when we are miserable. So in a very concise and profound way Jesus summed it up, love yourself, change yourself and then you can truly love others but you can never change others. They have to do that themselves.

My dad was an alcoholic so he was ill. Could I change that? No. Did I suffer as a result of his illness? Yes. For years I felt responsible for my whole family. I was the one they came to for help in solving all their problems. I was the one they depended on. It robbed me of the happiness of childhood and my teens and a large part of my adult years when I had a family of my own to care for as well. I had to learn for the sake of my own well-being to say NO! I am not going to do this any longer because someone has to take care of me. I count too. My life counts too. My well-being, both mentally and physically count too. All I was doing was to enable those around me to stay the way they were while in the process the cross just became too damn heavy for me to bear. It's way too hard to carry my own crosses in life and at the same time carry the crosses of others for them so they can go on being just as they are. So who was I helping? Not me. Not them.

What I learned from this is that when I changed, those around me changed because their manipulations and guilt trips and all that they laid on me no longer served their agendas. I also learned to love myself, respect myself and take care of my needs and in doing that I am a much happier person, more loving person and I haven't lost an ounce of compassion in the process. In fact, I gained more love and compassion for others once I gained that for myself.

Just my thoughts and sorry for the rant.