Anybody remember Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, the silly skit on Saturday Night Live a few years back that poked fun at the shallowness of New Age affirmations? That was so funny. I found some, and thought I would post them here, and create a thread that can be just silly things that we come across, astrology jokes, etc. Nothing too graphic, just goofy, of which I tend to get a lot of

So, I think I'll start...

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

And now, another episode of Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey (can't you still hear Phil Hartman's voice, all soft and flaky?)

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Haha, okay, that's enough from me and Jack for now

All acts of Love and Laughter are Her rituals!!

Blessings,

Carlo

!!! !!!

Dear Carlo!

They are wonderful!!!

Please post some more, because they are just too cool!!!

Laughing out loud,

with lots of love and laughter,

Laura

Yep Carlo ... ... spread a little of your zany humour ... ... what a way to lighten up !

How many members of your Sign does it take to change a light bulb?
>>
>>ARIES:
>>Just one. You want to make something of it?
>>
>>TAURUS:
>>One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and
>>should be thrown away.
>>
>>GEMINI:
>>Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed
>>to
>>do it and how it's supposed to be done!
>>
>>CANCER:
>>Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the
>>grieving process.
>>
>>LEO:
>>Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a
>>Virgo
>>in to do the job for them while they are out.
>>
>>VIRGO:
>>Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
>>
>>LIBRA:
>>Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK
with
>>you?
>>
>>SCORPIO:
>>That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened
>>Ones
>>in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
>>
>>SAGITTARIUS:
>>The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of
us,
>>and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
>>
>>CAPRICORN:
>>I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
>>
>>AQUARIUS:
>>Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
>>
>>PISCES:
>>Light bulb? What light bulb?

Just a little sumthin' sent my way.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"
>> >--Eleanor Roosevelt
>> >
>> >Many people will walk in and out of your life,
>> >But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
>> >To handle yourself, use your head;
>> >To handle others, use your heart.
>> >Anger is only one letter short of danger.
>> >If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
>> >If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
>> >Great minds discuss ideas;
>> >Average minds discuss events;
>> >Small minds discuss people.
>> >He who loses money, loses much;
>> >He who loses a friend, loses much more;
>> >He who loses faith, loses all
>> >Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
>> >But beautiful old people are works of art.
>> >Learn from the mistakes of others.
>> >You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
>> >Friends, you and me....
>> >You brought another friend....
>> >And then there were 3....
>> >We started our group....
>> >Our circle of friends....
>> >And like that circle....
>> >There is no beginning or end....
>> >Yesterday is history.
>> >Tomorrow is mystery.
>> >Today is a gift.
>> >That's why it's called the Present!!
>> >It's National Friendship Week.
>> >Show your friends how much you care....
>> >Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.
>> >If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have
>> >a circle of friends.

Forgive me if you will for this here. it's not exactly perhaps the right place for it, but thought it had some good points. Also, I am learning to send things from one place on the computer to another. i appreciate your indulgence.

Annie,

I love the lightbulb jokes!

Howz this...

A New Age Lullaby

Hush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball

And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand

And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate

And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick

And if that patchouli smells too rank
She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank

And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones

And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart

And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork

And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading

And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid

And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest

And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.

Laugh it up

Carlo

Annie! O, lord, this is the second time today I am just sitting here cackling at my computer. LoL. Good one. Of course, I can truly appreciate the Sag one, me being Sag, that is totally my attitude. And Aries, since my beloved is an Aries. Whoo. I have got to send these out to my lists. Wherever do you get these!!!! Carlo, hun, I still love the lullaby. And Jack Handy was hysterical. I love SNL from the 80's.
Love you guys!
Galadriel

One Liners..
These are too funny!

Never raise your hands to your kids. It
leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect
of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should
have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's
face he gets mad at you? But when
you take him in a car he sticks his head out
the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you
is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother
started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know
where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab
together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they
are always locking three.

I had a linguistics professor who said that
it's man's ability to use language
that makes him the dominant species on the
planet. That may be, but I think
there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

TV ads show you how detergents take out
bloodstains. I think if you've got a
bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't
your biggest problem.

I ask people why they have deer heads on
their walls. They always say "because
it's such a beautiful animal." There you go.
I think my mother is attractive,
but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and
pointed at my
suede jacket. 'You know a
cow was murdered for that jacket'? She
sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone,
"I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too!"

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fish-burger
and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner."

Women's Fantasy

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's
ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been
verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not
realize that in this fantasy, one is cooking and the other is
cleaning.

Lots of Love
Seamistress

Why is it when you talk to "God" you are praying and when "God" talks to you you're Schizophrenic???? --Lilli Thomlin

Hello Gali,

They came from a dear friend. Glad you liked it! LOVED your one liners!!

Love and much needed laughter,
Auriel

My dear Galadriel,
The tears are streaming down my face from laughing..somehow I keep thinking about where the Grandmother got to! BIZARRE!
Thankyou for really making me LAUGH!

LOVE and BLESSINGS
Crystal.

Gali honey ... you've got me in splits ...

I bought some fridge magnets yesterday at Newbury Comics...

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you in a panic

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Somewhere I have a list of all the things that Bart Simpson would write on the chalkboard when he'd get in trouble since the show began. If I come across it, I'll put some up

Love and Laughs,

Carlo

Thanks for the Carlo!! Loved the beer one!

I know a wonderful woman who is having her second go round with fairly advanced breast cancer. She is a marvel!! She has been going through heavy chemotherapy and radiation and has lost her hair (temporarily).

Recently she told a group of us this story. She said she doesn't like to see her bald head, so she opens her medicine cabinet in the bathroom before she goes to bed. That way, if she gets up in the night to go to the bathroom, she won't have to see her (temporarily) bald head.

Well, one night when she got up to go to the bathroom she saw a horrifying sight in the hall!!! She was terrified when she saw a bald man ahead of her wearing her nightgown!!! It took her a moment or two to realize it was hers-elf!!

This lady is such a marvelous person. She strongly believes in the healing power of humor and talks about putting together a book of humor specifically for cancer patients!! How's that for an amazing idea!!

Which reminds me, one of the funniest books I've ever read was on the humor in pregnancy. I was about 8 months pregnant and just roared and roared!

Annie

Why is 6 afraid of 7??

Because 7 8 9!!!

Courtesy of my daughter

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?

WriteOn

P.S. Carlo, where is the Bart Simpson list?

Hi Write On,

It was in my car, and now it's not...I am pretty sure I didn't lose it though. I will keep looking, and if I can't find it, I should be able to get in touch with my friend who gave me the copy. He was in the middle of moving, so we'll see...it is funny though, it's a really long list. I will bring it here when I find it though

Blessings,

Carlo

Hi All!

I just wanted to share this with you all that I got in an email. These are actuall headlines that were found in newspapers. Enjoy

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Lots of Love
Seamistress

Boy talk about a good antidote to depression.
I laughed and laughed. Thanks everyone

I had forgotten about this thread ...Yes, Anne it is GOOD FUN!

!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

I just spotted this and so thought I would share

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" -

scary I have some aunts that drive that way
really

some thoughts for the day

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

------------------

hello again

AND GOD CREATED WOMAN........GOD CREATED MAN BELOW.....
>You DO know what would have happened if
> there had been three wise
> WOMEN
>instead of wise men, don't you?
<They would have asked for directions,
>arrived on time, helped deliver the
>baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole
> and brought disposable diapers as gifts.

------------------------------------------------------
>God Created Woman. And She was Good.
>She had two arms, two legs and three
> breasts.
>God asked woman what she would like to have
> changed about herself
>and she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
> And it was good.
>She stood with her third breast in her hand
>and asked God what should be
>done with the useless boob......And God
>created Man
>>---------------------------------------
> GOD CREATED MAN.....
>Adam was getting bored & overwhelmed...
>Adam asked God to create something that would cook for him, clean,
wash his garments, keep things clean, entertain him, serve him
faithfully, and give him great pleasure when he so desired.....
>GOD replied that he could create such a thing, BUT..
it would cost him an ARM & A LEG !!
> Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

next

God Creates Pets
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, You walked
with me every day. Now I do not see You anymore.
I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember
how much You love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion
for you that will be with you forever and who will be a
reflection of My love for you, so that you will love Me
even when you cannot see Me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept you as you are & will love you
as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion
for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was
pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with
Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created
this new animal to be a reflection of My love for you,
his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you
will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him
and loved him. And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian
angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has
become filled with pride. He struts and preens like
a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will
see him as he is. The companion will remind him of
his limitations, so he will know that he is not always
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed
into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
supreme being. And Adam learned humility
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other!

next

Today's Biblical lesson
> A Preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
> of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible, and that the
> entirety of the human experience could be found there.
> After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
> "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
> The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
> and that he would look for it.
> The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside
> and showed her a passage which read ..
> "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

next
satans sister
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church,
listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of
the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to
the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years.

take care be well
Lia

------------------

Oh Lia and Clearseas...that was so funny I am sitting here laughing out loud ..I have got to call someone to share this with

You guys make me laugh sooooooooo much, thanks guys

Lots of Love
Seamistress

those were too funny keep em coming., anne

I am still laughing

Me and my partner were getting ready to go to a Halloween do, but didn't know what to go as. Then I told him "I know what's scarey! I'm going to go as a mathematical equasion!".

* * * * * *

A Jewish man turns to his Rabbi and says "father- what am I going to do?! My son wants to become a christian!"
The Rabbi replies "well, you'll never guess what, but my son wants to become a christian too!"
So the Rabbi turns to his father, God- and says "father-what am I going to do?"
And God replies "well, you'll never guess what....!"
* * * * * * * *

Annie- loved the Eleanor Roosevelt stuff.
Galadriel- when I blew my dog's face, he didn't get angry; he just stuck his tongue out and lapped up the air, as he did when I spoke to him; it was his extremely funny doggy language!

LOtsa LOve, Laughter and Peace xxxx

P.S. What ever happend to you poor Granmother?! Did she meet up with Forrest Gump?!

!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!