A Day in the Life
with this issue, Metamorphosis introduces a new series of personal stories
about how individuals learned to cope with tragedy and loss ... and how they
found spiritual strength to carry on in the face of adversity and sorrow.
In the first article of the series, member Chahldean reflects here on the
loss of 12 friends in the World Trade Center disaster.
in a Time that now seems to me lost and far away, I can re-member an innocence
my Being once felt: the wholeness of playing it safe in my world of daydreams
and childish schemes. Everything that mattered to me was omnipresent in my
everyday existence, living solely within my perception of my Self, my things,
my family and my friends.
From sunrise to
sunset, this Life of mine was composed of everything that meant something
to me, filled with some One to protect me from feeling without
or being a-Lone. A Time of Pure Absolute Truth. I can almost remember that
Time of Wholeness. Never knowing absence in any form. Never needing, wanting
or wishing for anything but what I already had: my Self, my things, my family
and my friends. My Life was whole and complete, the way I thought it would
be, all ways. A time to re-member indeed. A time whose time had come. Now
lost in my memory, but there just the same.
Twice in a Lifetime,
one may enjoy the sense of wholeness Life offers us. First, at childhood,
when our eyes are wide with Wonder and mischief, when we are entrusted with
the power of belief and love. The belief that Life is certain and concrete.
The belief that what surrounds us will always remain with us. The belief
that nothing changes. For with this love, we will remain in bliss. We are
embodied in Truth, never knowing or fearing its absence. It is Absolute.
It is for Ever. It just is.
The second Time
of Wonder comes when we experience Absence and survive through its tragedy.
This is a time of wondering where the omnipresence of Truth has gone; its
presence replaced by the loss of belief and love, the loss of things, the
loss of family, the loss of friends. The loss of the Child deep within us.
A loss that can never be regained in the way that we knew it to be. In this
loss, we become lost, and a new wholeness develops - a completeness that
can only be experienced and, if we are to be Whole and pure once more,
I am too young
to remember the loss of innocence others felt on November 22, 1963, when
the young, hopeful President, John F. Kennedy, was taken from this Earth
by cowardly acts of human selfishness. A day in the Life of a man whose power
of belief and hope was tragically ended in a moment, with spectators witnessing
both their lives and Life itself being changed forever. The Absolute becoming
Nor was I present
the day the music died, years before, to witness in any way the tragic deaths
of Richie Valens, Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper, a day that took from adoring
fans and loving families three young musicians whose hopes and dreams fell
from the heavens in an accident that would change lives forever.
The day that would
change my Life forever though, was a day I cannot completely recall. I know
it has happened because I now live with its memory loss - the lost memories
of those who have left my protected Place. Creating an absence I can neither
understand nor resolve, September 11th has marked my Life and Soul with an
awareness that nothing is forever. Everything and every One I have coveted
in my Life passes through this Time on each One's own journey. A brief encounter.
A solitary instance. A day in the long Life of Time. It is but a gift to
have. A gift I cannot and do not keep.
These moments ...
these days ... they become the threads from which our Lives are woven, seamingly
stitching together the loss of innocence and belief with the gain of Wholeness
and Insight, creating Wisdom and Understanding that only tragedy can bring
forth into Light. It is a light I have come to bear against my Will.
With the help of
history and folklore, eyewitness accounts and media coverage, I endured the
loss we all felt in all those Days, as it was my own. And I felt the catharsis
of humanity on a grave level. In that morning hour of 9/11 - that tragic
taking of truly innocent lives - the loss of dear friends in an unforeseen
catastrophe left my Life vacant and stirred it into a tempest I still suffer
from. Seeing tragic events alter Life in the blink of an eye changed forever
the shape of my heart, jaded my perception from wondering why to wondering
WHY? Catapulted me into denial and anger, leaving me lost without the Absolute
truth I once had in my innocent possession. That was taken forever, leaving
only my Self with my thoughts and feelings. Not really sure what they were
and how I would deal with them, I hid deep inside my Self.
Feeling lost in
my loss, I closed my eyes to see. And all that was present were the good
Times spent - the wonderful memories of faces and words of dear friends who
are no longer here for me to touch. To see. To call. To laugh with. To cry
with. To dream with. To be with.
They are gone forever
in this Time and place. Leaving me a-Lone to mend my heart without them.
Leaving me without the foundation of friendship I spent a lifetime developing.
Leaving me with only words and pictures of days in my Life I wish I could
return to and experience in all their glory ... the tastes and smells, the
words and laughter, the pain and tears, the promises and dreams ... all so
abstract to me now, as if their existence were a dream. I often sit and stare
into the sky, as the Child within once did, wondering if they are somewhere
out there ... watching me perish, watching my disbelief. Watching me laugh
and cry, wanting to live and die. Wanting me to heal. Wanting me to know
and understand their plight. Wanting me to allow them their Space and freedom
of Time. Wanting me to fight. Hoping I will nourish my deserted, broken heart
and not fall apart. Hoping I can endure the tragedies of Life, and journey
beyond their lessons.
I do now. More
often than not, when I see their loved ones, with smiling faces and hopeful
hearts, telling ME its OK ... Wanting to look away, I stare in their
eyes beneath this disguise and know somehow, someway, this too shall pass.
This a-Loneness becomes togetherness. I understand our connectedness and
the beauty of Life, with all its pain and sorrow, its hopes and dreams, its
mysterious wonders and hard facts. I stand under its incredible power and
am humbled by all the blessings and gifts I am given each day in a Life.
I often just sit
in silence, trying to be Whole again. Surrendering to my helplessness, I
sigh in vain, trying to not make it about me. Trying to seek Absolution again.
Trying to return to a day in my Life when my wonder was Wonderful and my
friends were here with me; making whole again the pieces I am just now putting
I pray, will come one day in this Life of my journey ... and take me to the
place where they now rest in peace.